Q&A
Put the cupcake down & step away from the table!!
Monday, June 22nd, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A | No Comments
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q. I’m hoping you can help me. When my fiancé proposed about eight months ago, I was so excited I ran right out and bought my wedding gown. I was so determined to get into shape before the wedding that I bought a dress a size too small. I was certain I could lose enough weight in 11 months to look fabulous in this dress – but now that the wedding is three months away I don’t think I’ll actually fit into it. What should I do?
A. Oh dear…you are certainly not alone in the “it will fit!” attitude to your wedding dress. However, now that it looks like “it won’t fit!!” you need a realistic plan of attack to make sure you actually have something to wear.
You’d be hard pressed to find a bridal magazine or website without copious amounts of information about fitness or weight-loss programs aimed at whipping you into shape for the big day. It seems to be the norm that engagement equates to frenzied fitness and beauty regimens – for the bride anyway. Just as most brides have a long-held fairy tale vision of what their wedding will look like, they have an equally long-held vision of what they’ll look like walking down the aisle.
A reputable bridal shop shouldn’t have let you out the door with a dress that “might fit.” So, unless you bought off the rack, and they didn’t know the dress did not fit you, you should enlist the store for help. You should also start asking everyone you know for the name of a seamstress.
I know you want to look your absolute best in the wedding photos – but remember that your fiancé proposed to you, as you are – not some ideal you may or may not achieve by the wedding day. What I’m sure will make him happiest is the knowledge that you’re actually enjoying yourself at the wedding. For that you need to feel comfortable – comfortable in your dress and comfortable with yourself.
I suggest you run, don’t walk, to the nearest skilled seamstress to see what can be done with your dress. Then take a deep breath, know that you will look beautiful and radiant on your wedding day – and perhaps steer clear of the woman that insists on bringing big boxes of doughnuts into the office!
That’s Why God Invented Babysitters!
Wednesday, June 10th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, OCTOBER 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
Q. My husband and I just got married and we had a really lovely wedding, except there’s one thing that is really bugging me. We had both decided not to have any children at our wedding, both because of the type of wedding we wanted and because we had such a small wedding, our guest list was very limited. Friends of my husband asked him about our opinion of kids at the wedding and he told them that a good gift to us would be a baby sitter as we were not having any kids at either the ceremony or reception. The first thing I saw, and heard, as I entered the church to walk down the aisle was this couple with their children, including their newborn. Am I off base or was this totally out of line?
A. I have three words for you: tacky, tacky, and tacky! Not only were his friends rude and inconsiderate, but they can’t even claim ignorance as you had a specific conversation about your decision to have a child-free wedding.
Regardless whether you are having a small or large wedding it is completely appropriate to choose not to have children at your wedding celebration. The day should reflect you as a couple, and if there are no children you are close to, or if you wish to have a “grown-up” event, there is absolutely no reason you should feel obligated to include any children on your invite list.
The best way to handle this is to be consistent: if you don’t want lots of children, don’t invite any – however, it is also ok to only invite children over a certain age. Some couples want only certain kids, for example their nieces and nephews, but no others. This choice isn’t particularly appropriate etiquette, so you need to be prepared for a little backlash.
To all prospective wedding guests out there – it has been said before, but apparently it bears repeating: IF YOUR NAME IS NOT ON THE INVITATION – YOU ARE NOT INVITED!! This includes your children, the guy you started dating last Tuesday and that unexpected house guest you need to keep entertained.
You are completely correct to be ticked off at your husband’s friends – they were totally out-of-line. As to how you should handle it now – well, that’s entirely up to you – but you should probably set a couple extra places at the table the next time you invite them over for dinner, just in case…
P.S. If it is too problematic to “not” invite the children – consider setting up a kid’s room – hire a team of babysitters and stock it full of kid-friendly fun – they’ll be nearby so their parents can check on them – you’ll get the child-free wedding you desire and you don’t have to have that sometimes uncomfortable conversation with your guests.
My Bridal Party is Lopsided…help!
Friday, May 29th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A, weddings | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, SEPTEMBER 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q. I’m having trouble choosing my attendants (or support team, as I like to think of them). I originally wanted only a Maid of Honour (my sister) without any other attendants. Unfortunately, my fiancé really wants 3 groomsmen and has already asked two of them. So I now feel stuck. I’ve narrowed it down to 4 people (one is a guy) for two spots. Two are a husband and wife. He and I have been through a lot together and have known each other much longer than his wife and I, but she has become a good friend too (and I was a bridesmaid at their wedding so I feel obliged to include her). The other two are good friends from when I was in school. How does one make this decision? Please help.
A. Choosing attendants seems to fall into two categories: it’s either easy and clear cut – you have three sisters, you have a tight knit group of four that you’ve known since childhood, you have one sister and your fiancé has one brother, etc. – or, more likely, the whole idea of having to choose more than one, but less than 12, bridesmaids is more challenging than an advanced Sudoku puzzle.
Countless brides juggle choosing who they really want vs. who they feel obliged to ask, simplicity vs. having everyone you know in matching formal wedding guest dresses at the front of the church with you…it’s rarely easy.
Just because you were a bridesmaid at someone’s wedding, does not mean you have to ask them to be your bridesmaid in return. Some women have had the (un)fortunate experience of being a bridesmaid a dozen or more times – it would be completely impractical to reciprocate. Sometimes it’s a case of – if you ask Sally, Jane will be upset, and vice versa, so you need to ask both or neither.
You could still make your friend’s wife feel included by asking her to be an usher, or do a reading during the ceremony. However, this depends a lot on her personality. You don’t want your wedding to be a cause of strife in their marriage – so if you really want him as an attendant – and you think she’d be completely insulted to be left out – then ask them both and get your other two friends to participate in some other way.
The other option is to avoid the whole mess by doing what you had originally planned – just ask your sister to be your Maid of Honour and leave it at that (don’t worry about it looking slightly lopsided).
When all is said and done, it is your day, and you should have the “support team” you want, not the one you felt obligated to have.
Quickie Anyone…??
Tuesday, May 12th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A, weddings | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, SEPTEMBER 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q. My fiancée and I just got engaged about a week ago but we’d really like to get married this fall. Is there any way to plan a nice wedding for about 50 guests in less than two months?
A. Absolutely! Whether you have five weeks, six months or two years to plan your wedding it is possible to have a lovely memorable event. However, when you’re planning a wedding in a short time frame it is imperative that you be flexible (we’re talking major, look like a pretzel, contortionist flexible).
Regardless of how much time you have to plan your wedding, when you are inviting less than 75 guests your options are immensely greater than if you are having a fête for 300.
If you’re having a wedding in the spring or fall there’s a chance that traditional venues like hotels and community halls may have an opening. You might want to consider having your wedding on some day other than Saturday – which will give you more options, whatever your time frame.
Don’t overlook all the great restaurants that can accommodate 50 or 60 people and provide both great ambience and great service. Restaurants are often the most amenable to special requests for weddings and are best equipped to deal with last minute bookings.
As for all the other vendors you’ll need to figure out which ones are available and go from there.
If getting married soon is your priority be prepared for the possibility that your wedding won’t look exactly as planned (What do you mean I can’t have 500 tulips by next Thursday? Yes…I do realize it’s October…). So, get your dialing finger ready, start chanting your “I am flexible” mantra, and in less than two months you can be ready to say “I do!”
The Marvels & Mishaps of Marital Melting Pots
Wednesday, May 6th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A, weddings | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, SEPTEMBER 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
Q. My fiancé & I have been engaged for a few months now but we haven’t planned anything yet because we don’t really know where to begin. I am Catholic and he is Hindu and we both plan to continue in our respective faiths after we’re married. We have no idea how to incorporate both of these things into one wedding so that we honour our families and our traditions but also reflect us as a couple. What should we do?
A. According to statistics, at least one-quarter of all marriages in North America are considered interfaith (which can mean anything from a Baptist-Lutheran union to your impending Catholic-Hindu nuptials).
Sometimes it can be quite easy to incorporate the two ceremonies: Two officiants can be present and share in the duties, for example, have the bride’s officiant perform the actual ceremony and the groom’s officiant can say the opening comments and the final blessing; or, if the two officants are amenable you can have them alternate back and forth throughout the ceremony providing equal components from both backgrounds (if they’re not so agreeable make sure they duke it out well in advance of your wedding day – the black eyes might frighten your guests).
Sometimes it requires a bit of imagination, but is still completely feasible: A priest and a rabbi (no…there’s no duck or rowboat involved…) can each perform the pertinent marriage rituals – as long as all involved are open to the situation you can still have the Catholic liturgy and vows, followed by the Jewish seven blessings and the breaking of the glass.
However, there are those situations where it is virtually impossible to blend the two ceremonies (yes – this means you…): No matter how much negotiation goes into this dual ceremony it will be very difficult to appease everyone (at the very least your parish priest might be a bit startled by the fire on the altar).
The best idea when uniting two diametrically opposed wedding ceremonies is to keep them separate. Instead of having six or seven days of Hindu events you might consider scaling it back to three or four days. Have the two ceremonies a day apart – or if you don’t mind foregoing one of the receptions (but remember that means only one wedding cake) have the Catholic ceremony in the morning, begin the Hindu ceremony early afternoon and then have one very festive reception that evening.
Best wishes & Namaste!
Back-off Mom…It’s My Turn!!
Wednesday, April 29th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A, trends, weddings | 5 Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, AUGUST 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
Q. We’ve recently started planning our wedding and it seems like everyone has an opinion about how everything is supposed to be done. No one really agrees which one is the “right” way, but I’m fairly certain a lot of them are definitely the wrong way. I really like my future in-laws, but their ideas are making me cringe. I don’t want to offend them – but how do I tell them that their plans are way off base?
A. Getting everyone to agree on details when planning a wedding can often require more tact and patience than a UN peacekeeping summit. You want to make sure that you’re following protocol, and do not offend your guests. However, while you are planning your wedding you are also establishing a relationship with your future in-laws and don’t want to cause hard feelings that may still be lingering when it comes time to plan your 25th anniversary party.
If the details in question are small (your future mother-in-law wants programs that include all the readings for your ceremony and you don’t), the best idea is to let them go – by letting her take charge of something you don’t care too much about – it might take the attention off a more contentious issue. If they’re a big deal like she is determined your wedding colours should be purple and green (or some other combination you find equally distasteful), or she decided she didn’t get to invite enough people and has had her own invitations printed (even though you’ve already invited more people than the venue will hold) – then something should be said – but not by you. It will make for far less hurt feelings to always have your fiancé deal with issues involving his family, and you with yours (bringing in those UN peacekeeping forces might be a wise idea also).
Here are a few tried and tested rules of etiquette that will help the bride and groom, their families and the guests from pulling their (or anyone else’s) hair out:
• The mother of the bride or mother of the groom should never host the bridal shower.
• Don’t invite 400 people if you can only afford to host 100 – and similarly don’t invite throngs of people you know cannot attend in hopes they’ll send a gift.
• Make sure your guests feel welcome – think about details like parking and dietary restrictions – and don’t expect them to pay for anything at your wedding.
• Don’t refer to gifts or gift registries with the wedding invitations; however it is ok in the bridal shower invitations as the bride or bride’s family is not hosting (see above).
• The rules of “who pays for what” are traditional – but don’t be unreasonable: don’t ask the groom’s family for money – but don’t be shy about discussing the realities of the financial situation and accepting help or to split costs.
• The bride and groom must send a written thank-you note for every gift (yes, even those crocheted place mats!) – and do so in a timely manner – aim to get them out in a month – but absolutely no later than three months after the wedding.
Good luck with your in-laws…but don’t let anyone make you lose sight of the fact that the day is about you and your fiancé…enjoy!
Calling All Tacky Brides!!
Monday, April 20th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A, trends, weddings | No Comments
Ok…seriously…I know no one sets out to be a tacky bride. I know sometimes friends, families and retail establishments give engaged couples erroneous information & advice. After writing an etiquette column for many years…and having a website titled “ask” a wedding planner…many people do just that…It wasn’t a bride that asked the last question, it was a wedding guest that was perplexed by a wedding invitation they received:
“We have been invited to a wedding and on the invitation was told there would be a presentation basket at the reception. What is this? Thanks in advance.”
So I may as well tell you what I told them:
Typically a presentation basket is referring to money – which by they way is COMPLETELY tacky to reference on a wedding invitation. You should not feel obliged to give them money if you would prefer to give them a tangible gift. It is a complete etiquette no-no to reference gifts of ANY kind on the invitation – and registries & suggestions are merely there to make things easier for the guests – it is not appropriate to mandate what, if anything, you give as a wedding gift.
Hope that helps!
When it comes to gift registry cards, sending guests gift requests, having a cash bar before dinner, letting the tulle fairy throw up on you or your reception venue….JUST SAY NO!! When you look back on your wedding in 20 years…you’ll be oh-so-glad you did! 
What’s a bride to do with the mystery gifts?
Tuesday, April 14th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A, weddings | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, JULY 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
Q. We just got married a couple of weeks ago and there are a couple of things we’re a bit concerned about: there were a few gifts that seemed to have lost their cards (we can “sort of” figure out who they are from based on some cards that weren’t attached to anything) and a couple of guests who normally always observe stringent rules of etiquette but didn’t give us anything – and we’re worried that maybe it got lost. Should we actually ask them (what if they actually didn’t buy us a gift – then it would be weird, wouldn’t it?)?
A. There always seem to be a few gifts that manage to lose their cards, and a few guests that amazingly seem to attend a wedding without giving a gift.
As for the guests with no gifts – this is both cheap and tacky (always a marvelous combination). Ideally, wedding guests arrange for the couple to receive their gift before the wedding – so someone doesn’t have to be responsible for getting all the gifts home from the reception.
Attention all wedding guests: although it is completely appropriate to give the newlyweds their gift anytime in the first year of marriage – if you plan to wait, whatever the reason, tell them (“We’re very sorry your gift is not here – it will be arriving at your door in six to eight months – it’s being delivered by pack mule from Argentina!”). This will save the poor couple from worrying that your gift got lost (or from deciding you’re a big cheapskate).
As for the etiquette sticklers that did not give you a gift or mention the absence of one…this is a sticky situation. Perhaps just tell them you’re worried that their gift went missing and were curious if they left it on the gift table at the reception (who knows, maybe they forgot it in the trunk of their car, or it is sitting carefully in a closet at their house).
Now…where Emily Post dictates a wedding guest has a year to give a gift – it is quite the opposite on the thank you card front. Everyone knows you’re very busy – but don’t make your guests wait forever for their thank you cards. You absolutely must send them within three months of your wedding day…no slacking! If there are a couple of cards that were not attached to anything – and a couple of gifts with no cards – simply thank them for the “lovely gift”.
So all you wedding guests out there – if you attend the wedding – give them a gift – and if it will be coming some time in the future – tell them! If you do bring the gift to the reception – make sure you’re actually putting it on the gift table…and get friendly with the scotch tape – don’t make them guess which gift is from you because the card fell off (you don’t want credit for a set of plastic mixing bowls when you actually bought them a silver gravy boat).
What’s a bride with two dads to do?
Tuesday, March 31st, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A, weddings | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, JUNE 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q. I’m getting married in the fall. All the details seem to be coming together nicely except there’s one big problem…My parents divorced when I was eight and my mom re-married shortly after. My step-dad is wonderful and has always basically been the father figure. I am still quite close with my father, though, and I know either would be very disappointed about not walking me down the aisle. What should I do?
A. Hmmm…yes…this is always a very sticky situation when a bride is close to both her father and step-father. Unfortunately, there is never a clear-cut, one-size-fits-all, answer. How you choose to handle this is entirely dependant upon the personalities involved.
If you are very close with both men, etiquette states it is your natural father that should walk you down the aisle. For many brides, though, their step-dad has been so much more involved in their daily lives that it seems an automatic choice to ask him in lieu of their biological parent.
If both men get along and are amiable with each other you can choose to have both of them walk you down the aisle. Strictly speaking, this is a total no-no. However, unless Emily Post (or Dr. Phil) will be onsite to help smooth the ruffled feathers of the “dad” who does not get to walk you down the aisle – this is certainly a viable option. You could either have one escort on either arm, or have your father take you half way, and your step-father the other half. Another option is to choose your natural father to walk you down the aisle, and your stepfather for the father-daughter dance (or vice versa).
The only other option would be to avoid the situation altogether and walk down the aisle alone. From an etiquette perspective, this is a more appropriate compromise than, say, having your mom walk you down the aisle, and can potentially alleviate any hurt feelings. If you’re really worried about it, pick a ceremony venue that has a very skinny aisle (or a ridiculously pouffy dress). Then you can look your dad(s) in the eye and say with confidence…I’m so disappointed, there’s simply not room for anyone beside me. If you opt to go it alone, you could briefly pause to hug them both, and then have your fiancé escort you the last few feet.
It is wonderful to want to observe all the proper etiquette at your wedding…just don’t forget about the potential lifetime of angry glances over the Thanksgiving turkey before you make your final decision.
Lisa Hanslip is a Calgary wedding planner (www. askaweddingplanner.com). Her advice appears regularly on the Love Stories pages.
Hmmm…our venue is on fire…isn’t that delightful!
Tuesday, March 24th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A, weddings | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, MAY 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
Q. Our wedding is a few weeks away and our reception venue just had a big fire. Although we had our hearts set on this location, we decided to book another place close by instead of waiting for the repairs to be completed. What is the proper way to inform our guests? Can we just tell everyone at the ceremony?
A. All sorts of things can pop up (or burn down) when planning a wedding. The venue can double book, the church can flood, the photographer can unexpectedly choose another occupation (what do you mean you’ve really always wanted to be a plumber?), or there can be a family emergency requiring a postponement. Whatever the scenario, it is not uncommon for something to instigate either a change of date or a change of venue.
Typically, the appropriate etiquette to handle a change of wedding details is mailing the new details to your guests. Either a hand written note or a simple card – printed to match your invitations – is acceptable.
Had you decided to postpone your wedding the same rules would apply. It is the top priority to inform your guests if there is a major change – such as a change of date or a change of locale. Every wedding usually has at least a few guests coming from out of town – they’ve graciously taken time off work and made travel arrangements. Your local guests may have arranged baby sitters or transportation. Make sure you tell them…post haste!
With so little time before your wedding date I suggest using the telephone. Although your new venue is nearby, it is courteous to let your guests have some warning. A reminder at the ceremony – either printed on the programs or with a verbal announcement – is always a good idea. However, there are inevitably always a few guests that don’t make it to the ceremony (I told you it was left on Main Street), and even more guests that don’t bother reading the programs (Oh, doesn’t she look beautiful, I wonder what I’ll look like on my wedding day…).
So, enlist your family and your bridesmaids to help you man the phones. Then, take a deep breath and relax (having a fire extinguisher at the ready couldn’t hurt either!). Well done finding a new reception venue so quickly – your wedding will be smooth sailing.
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