Q: We chose a very small venue to have our reception and it was very difficult to get our guest list small enough. We all had to cut quite a few people we would love to be there - but it simply won’t accommodate any more people. A few of our friends (and our parents’ friends) are quite offended and upset about not being invited. How should we handle this?

A: When planning a wedding, making the guest list is frequently fraught with problems. The process of cutting down the guest list is, at best, the cause of making some hard choices, and at worst, absolutely agonizing. Most of the time it can be an emotional minefield for everyone:
• Mom, I don’t care if you envisioned my wedding having 400 guests - we only want 35.
• What do you mean you want to invite your ex-girlfriend?
• No Dad, I don’t want all 47 of my first cousins at the wedding.
• You mean I can’t invite 14 people from the office, what will I tell them?

You need to decide what is important - the venue or the number of guests. Have you always dreamed of an intimate wedding or is a huge bash more your style? If you have your heart set on a small wedding you have to be a little ruthless with the guest list.

If you’re having a wedding for 350 people - your friends have a right to be offended by their omission from the guest list - however, if you’ve chosen a venue that only holds 50 people - they should understand the size constraints - that you simply don’t have the option of including everyone. It is perfectly appropriate to host a wedding for just immediate family and a few close friends.

Remember a few things which should help before making the final decisions: Your wedding is not an opportunity for your parents to get payback for all the wedding gifts they’ve given and weddings they’ve attended over the years. It is also decidedly not an occasion for them to fulfill their social obligations (nothing makes a bride feel more special on her wedding day than a room full of her father’s business associates). It is also not appropriate to send invitations to a bunch of people you know will not be able to attend - it looks like a blatant plea for gifts.

In an ideal world, you could have your ideal wedding and everyone you’ve ever met could be invited - but unless heisting a Brinks truck is in your immediate future - your friends and family need to be understanding of the type of wedding you and your fiancé have chosen.

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, MARCH 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”

The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.

Q: I’m having a very hard time choosing a maid of honour. I have a few girlfriends that I’m fairly close to, but my very best friend is a guy. We’ve known each other since junior high - and he’s seen me through everything. Would it be weird to choose him instead of a maid of honour? Should he just dress like the groomsmen? Will I give my grandmother a heart attack?

A: Unconventional, yes! Unexpected, you bet! Acceptable, absolutely!

You want your honour attendant - whether it is a maid of honour, matron of honour or man of honour - to be the person to whom you feel closest. You should choose your best friend, the person you want standing beside you on your big day - not the friend that would look best in the bridesmaid dress.

If you choose a man to be your honour attendant - you may opt to eliminate some of the “typical” duties like hosting your bridal shower, or helping you get into your wedding gown. But the most important part of the job description is being supportive and serving as the legal witness to your marriage.

Choosing your attendants can often be a difficult process - for the bride and the groom. There may be family politics involved. Or, like some, you may have served as a bridesmaid for a dozen of your friends and family members and feel obligated to ask them to stand up for you in return. Well…don’t.

This is your day - and although it is impossible to accommodate everyone’s wishes - you can’t make your choices based on not wanting to offend someone. You can’t make everyone happy - nor can you make everyone your bridesmaid - so just choose those you are currently closest to. You can always assign tasks - like doing a reading or taking care of the guest book - to those you want to feel special and included in your wedding but aren’t in the bridal party.

When you decide on the attire for your attendants, he can wear a suit or tuxedo and coordinate his tie to the other bridesmaids. This scenario also holds true for the groom. It is also perfectly acceptable to have a woman be the best “man.” A best “woman” looks great in a black strapless gown to coordinate with the other groomsmen.

So, feel free to choose your best guy friend or brother to stand up for you at your wedding. Just keep your “man of honour” away from the lavender chiffon and size 11 purple pumps - and your grandmother’s heart should be just fine!

We were excited to see that one of our weddings was featured in the western Canada edition of WedLuxe Magazine. It was a beautiful wedding in Banff…with an equally beautiful bride & groom.

There were SO many details to look after with this wedding - every detail from the invitations to the bride & groom’s exit was carefully orchestrated. Their monogram appeared on EVERYTHING…invitations, aisle runner, silk panels in the church, programs, menus, table numbers, signage, gobo projected onto the dance floor, favor cards, tags on the late night snack, and even the matchbooks to light the sparklers for their exit.

The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.

Q. I’m having trouble choosing my attendants (or support team, as I like to think of them). I originally wanted only a Maid of Honour (my sister) without any other attendants. Unfortunately, my fiancé really wants 3 groomsmen and has already asked two of them. So I now feel stuck. I’ve narrowed it down to 4 people (one is a guy) for two spots. Two are a husband and wife. He and I have been through a lot together and have known each other much longer than his wife and I, but she has become a good friend too (and I was a bridesmaid at their wedding so I feel obliged to include her). The other two are good friends from when I was in school. How does one make this decision? Please help.

A. Choosing attendants seems to fall into two categories: it’s either easy and clear cut - you have three sisters, you have a tight knit group of four that you’ve known since childhood, you have one sister and your fiancé has one brother, etc. - or, more likely, the whole idea of having to choose more than one, but less than 12, bridesmaids is more challenging than an advanced Sudoku puzzle.

Countless brides juggle choosing who they really want vs. who they feel obliged to ask, simplicity vs. having everyone you know in a matching dress at the front of the church with you…it’s rarely easy.

Just because you were a bridesmaid at someone’s wedding, does not mean you have to ask them to be your bridesmaid in return. Some women have had the (un)fortunate experience of being a bridesmaid a dozen or more times - it would be completely impractical to reciprocate. Sometimes it’s a case of - if you ask Sally, Jane will be upset, and vice versa, so you need to ask both or neither.

You could still make your friend’s wife feel included by asking her to be an usher, or do a reading during the ceremony. However, this depends a lot on her personality. You don’t want your wedding to be a cause of strife in their marriage - so if you really want him as an attendant - and you think she’d be completely insulted to be left out - then ask them both and get your other two friends to participate in some other way.

The other option is to avoid the whole mess by doing what you had originally planned - just ask your sister to be your Maid of Honour and leave it at that (don’t worry about it looking slightly lopsided).

When all is said and done, it is your day, and you should have the “support team” you want, not the one you felt obligated to have.

Q. We’ve recently started planning our wedding and it seems like everyone has an opinion about how everything is supposed to be done. No one really agrees which one is the “right” way, but I’m fairly certain a lot of them are definitely the wrong way. I really like my future in-laws, but their ideas are making me cringe. I don’t want to offend them - but how do I tell them that their plans are way off base?

A. Getting everyone to agree on details when planning a wedding can often require more tact and patience than a UN peacekeeping summit. You want to make sure that you’re following protocol, and do not offend your guests. However, while you are planning your wedding you are also establishing a relationship with your future in-laws and don’t want to cause hard feelings that may still be lingering when it comes time to plan your 25th anniversary party.

If the details in question are small (your future mother-in-law wants programs that include all the readings for your ceremony and you don’t), the best idea is to let them go - by letting her take charge of something you don’t care too much about - it might take the attention off a more contentious issue. If they’re a big deal like she is determined your wedding colours should be purple and green (or some other combination you find equally distasteful), or she decided she didn’t get to invite enough people and has had her own invitations printed (even though you’ve already invited more people than the venue will hold) - then something should be said - but not by you. It will make for far less hurt feelings to always have your fiancé deal with issues involving his family, and you with yours (bringing in those UN peacekeeping forces might be a wise idea also).

Here are a few tried and tested rules of etiquette that will help the bride and groom, their families and the guests from pulling their (or anyone else’s) hair out:

• The mother of the bride or mother of the groom should never host the bridal shower.
• Don’t invite 400 people if you can only afford to host 100 - and similarly don’t invite throngs of people you know cannot attend in hopes they’ll send a gift.
• Make sure your guests feel welcome - think about details like parking and dietary restrictions - and don’t expect them to pay for anything at your wedding.
• Don’t refer to gifts or gift registries with the wedding invitations; however it is ok in the bridal shower invitations as the bride or bride’s family is not hosting (see above).
• The rules of “who pays for what” are traditional - but don’t be unreasonable: don’t ask the groom’s family for money - but don’t be shy about discussing the realities of the financial situation and accepting help or to split costs.
• The bride and groom must send a written thank-you note for every gift (yes, even those crocheted place mats!) - and do so in a timely manner - aim to get them out in a month - but absolutely no later than three months after the wedding.

Good luck with your in-laws…but don’t let anyone make you lose sight of the fact that the day is about you and your fiancé…enjoy!

The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.

Q. I’m getting married in the fall. All the details seem to be coming together nicely except there’s one big problem…My parents divorced when I was eight and my mom re-married shortly after. My step-dad is wonderful and has always basically been the father figure. I am still quite close with my father, though, and I know either would be very disappointed about not walking me down the aisle. What should I do?

A. Hmmm…yes…this is always a very sticky situation when a bride is close to both her father and step-father. Unfortunately, there is never a clear-cut, one-size-fits-all, answer. How you choose to handle this is entirely dependant upon the personalities involved.

If you are very close with both men, etiquette states it is your natural father that should walk you down the aisle. For many brides, though, their step-dad has been so much more involved in their daily lives that it seems an automatic choice to ask him in lieu of their biological parent.

If both men get along and are amiable with each other you can choose to have both of them walk you down the aisle. Strictly speaking, this is a total no-no. However, unless Emily Post (or Dr. Phil) will be onsite to help smooth the ruffled feathers of the “dad” who does not get to walk you down the aisle - this is certainly a viable option. You could either have one escort on either arm, or have your father take you half way, and your step-father the other half. Another option is to choose your natural father to walk you down the aisle, and your stepfather for the father-daughter dance (or vice versa).

The only other option would be to avoid the situation altogether and walk down the aisle alone. From an etiquette perspective, this is a more appropriate compromise than, say, having your mom walk you down the aisle, and can potentially alleviate any hurt feelings. If you’re really worried about it, pick a ceremony venue that has a very skinny aisle (or a ridiculously pouffy dress). Then you can look your dad(s) in the eye and say with confidence…I’m so disappointed, there’s simply not room for anyone beside me. If you opt to go it alone, you could briefly pause to hug them both, and then have your fiancé escort you the last few feet.

It is wonderful to want to observe all the proper etiquette at your wedding…just don’t forget about the potential lifetime of angry glances over the Thanksgiving turkey before you make your final decision.

Lisa Hanslip is a Calgary wedding planner (www. askaweddingplanner.com). Her advice appears regularly on the Love Stories pages.

The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.

Q: We’ve been told we need to have a receiving line at our wedding - but we don’t really know when it is supposed to be or even who exactly is supposed to be included - do we really need to have one?

A: Traditionally, it is considered proper etiquette to have a receiving line at any wedding with more than 50 guests. The purpose of the receiving line is to give the hosts and the happy couple an opportunity to personally greet each guest.

The receiving line usually starts with the parents of the bride, followed by the groom, the bride, the parents of the groom, and sometimes the maid of honour. The groomsmen do not participate in the receiving line nor do the bridesmaids (hmmm…eight attendants and 250 wedding guests…we might get to sit down for dinner sometime before their first anniversary).

Today, it is perfectly acceptable not to have a receiving line. If you’re planning to invite enough people to fill all four halls of the Round-Up Centre - it is probably best to skip it. But, if you’ve invited less than 200 people, it can certainly be manageable - and useful: If even your best party-mingling efforts don’t allow you to visit with each guest during the reception - you can relax knowing you spoke with everyone during the receiving line.

The receiving line can be held at the church as people exit or at the reception as people enter. It can be a great way to usher people out of the ceremony or into the reception - but allow enough time so you’re not impinging on your time for wedding photos or the start of dinner. The receiving line can be rather a lengthy process - so count on at least half an hour to greet all of your guests - closer to an hour if you have lots of chatty relatives to contend with.

Just remember - whether or not you have a receiving line - the important thing is that you greet each and every guest and thank them personally for sharing in your big day. If you decide to go for it - make sure your comfy shoes and bottle of Purell are at the ready - and you’ll be all set.

Lisa Hanslip is a Calgary wedding planner (www. askaweddingplanner.com). Her advice appears regularly on the Love Stories pages.

Q. Our wedding is a few weeks away and our reception venue just had a big fire. Although we had our hearts set on this location, we decided to book another place close by instead of waiting for the repairs to be completed. What is the proper way to inform our guests? Can we just tell everyone at the ceremony?

A. All sorts of things can pop up (or burn down) when planning a wedding. The venue can double book, the church can flood, the photographer can unexpectedly choose another occupation (what do you mean you’ve really always wanted to be a plumber?), or there can be a family emergency requiring a postponement. Whatever the scenario, it is not uncommon for something to instigate either a change of date or a change of venue.

Typically, the appropriate etiquette to handle a change of wedding details is mailing the new details to your guests. Either a hand written note or a simple card - printed to match your invitations - is acceptable.

Had you decided to postpone your wedding the same rules would apply. It is the top priority to inform your guests if there is a major change - such as a change of date or a change of locale. Every wedding usually has at least a few guests coming from out of town - they’ve graciously taken time off work and made travel arrangements. Your local guests may have arranged baby sitters or transportation. Make sure you tell them…post haste!

With so little time before your wedding date I suggest using the telephone. Although your new venue is nearby, it is courteous to let your guests have some warning. A reminder at the ceremony - either printed on the programs or with a verbal announcement - is always a good idea. However, there are inevitably always a few guests that don’t make it to the ceremony (I told you it was left on Main Street), and even more guests that don’t bother reading the programs (Oh, doesn’t she look beautiful, I wonder what I’ll look like on my wedding day…).

So, enlist your family and your bridesmaids to help you man the phones. Then, take a deep breath and relax (having a fire extinguisher at the ready couldn’t hurt either!). Well done finding a new reception venue so quickly - your wedding will be smooth sailing.

6. Take care of the caretakers. As a matter of security as well as courtesy and common sense, leave a written schedule of your trip, including telephone numbers, with the people who maintain your home, take care of pets, water plants, or pick up mail. The same, of course, applies if you have children and you’re leaving them with a relative or other caregiver. Be sure to give your parents or other close relatives copies of your schedule, as well. Take with you on your honeymoon the phone numbers of any caretakers. Leave written instructions for feeding pets, giving medications, or watering plants. Be sure to stock up on food and the like so that caretakers are not obligated to spend money on supplies. Don’t forget to write thank-you notes and perhaps even purchase small gifts for those people who took care of things while you were away.

7. Don’t neglect post-wedding tasks. Take care of post wedding loose ends so that they don’t burden anyone else while you are away on your honeymoon. It’s fine to delegate tasks to others; just make the arrangements ahead of time. These jobs could include dealing with rental returns, keeping an eye out for wedding gift deliveries, mailing your wedding announcements, and delivering your wedding gown to storage.

8.  Plan for wedding announcements. If you’re sending wedding announcements, it’s a good idea to have them addressed and stamped before the wedding, either by you or someone helping you. Ideally, they should go into the mail soon after your wedding day. Traditionally announcements are mailed the day after the wedding, but that’s no longer necessary. Mailing announcements anytime a few days- or even weeks- after your big day is fine. Ask a friend or relative to mail your announcements if you would like them sent during the time you’re away on your honeymoon.

9. Set aside time to talk. It’s easy for couples who are swept up in countless pre-wedding details and duties to become somewhat myopic about preparing for life after the wedding. Make sure to set aside time during the honeymoon to discuss ways to make the transition to married life go smoothly. For example, the realities of keeping a household budget and dividing household chores are something you’ll need to discuss. Talk about how you plan to communicate in general, making sure you are both committed to open communication. It helps enormously to commit from the start to a certain flexibility and willingness to compromise- and to stick to it. It’s a lifelong pledge.

10.  Pamper, indulge, relax! This should be a once-in-a-lifetime event for the two of you. So don’t be afraid to splurge on a few extras. It could be his and hers massages at the hotel spa – or supplies for giving each other spa treatments in the privacy of your own room. Other possibilities: a sunset sail if you’re near a beach, or an extravagant meal of lobster tails and filet mignon. Whatever the indulgence – enjoy! This is a special time.

“Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette” (fifth edition), 2006, p.379

This was the view off of our terrace above Positano…sigh…why do I torment myself looking at this photo in the middle of winter?!?

Thank you to Peggy Post for these great honeymoon tips:

The honeymoon is the romantic interlude bridging your past and future lives. It’s the time to revel in your nuptial bliss and recuperate from the hectic planning and activities of the weeks and months before the
wedding – and from the big day itself. Here are some tips to help make the honeymoon live up to the romantic myth – and create an experience that you’ll both look back on fondly for years to come.

1.      Tap into the tradition.  In the Middle Ages, mead, a fermented drink made with honey (the symbol of fertility, health, and life), was drunk by the bride and groom for thirty days – the cycle of the
moon. During this period, the couple stayed hidden from their parents and friends, the mead no doubt loosening their inhibitions and getting the marriage off to an auspicious start. Even if you have been together for quite some time, you can enrich your getaway by tapping into the traditional spirit of the honeymoon as a period of treasured communion between the couple – a time like no other.
Note: You certainly do not need to drink mead, or other alcoholic beverages!

2.      Plan together.  Both of you should be involved in planning the honeymoon. That includes doing the research, meeting with a travel agent, and making reservations. Discuss what type of honeymoon
experience you want. A lazy beach retreat? A tour of a European country? A week of sky and scuba diving? Make sure you are in agreement. If you dream of biking in Italy, but he’s visualizing cocktails by the pool, aim for something in the middle.

3.      Plan ahead.  The honeymoon, for many couples, is a top-priority decision – with good reason! Some couples make all of their other wedding decisions around their honeymoon plans. Make the preliminary decisions as early as possible, such as the honeymoon date, location, transportation, accommodations, and length of stay.

4.      Set a honeymoon budget. Honeymoons need to be planned in advance for budgetary reasons as well. It is all too easy to get caught up in the frenzy of planning the wedding and reception, only to find you don’t have the funds you need for the honeymoon you dreamed of. So don’t forget to add up all of the expected
(and unexpected) costs of the honeymoon. Beyond transportation and lodging, the honeymoon budget should also include meals, transfers, souvenirs, sightseeing and sports-related costs, tips, taxes, and the little luxuries, like a massage or poolside charges for lounge chairs and towels.

5.      If you have children, plan for them and your honeymoon. Many couples marrying for the second time bring children into the marriage. Remarriage can be unsettling for kids, especially for young children who are dependent on their parent. They may feel that they are being abandoned or will become less important in your
life. If your kids feel threatened by your marriage, you may rightly be concerned about leaving them immediately after the wedding to go on a honeymoon. This is a clear conflict, as you and your new spouse may be eager – and certainly deserve – to share some private time together.

Some couples decide to take their kids on the honeymoon with them, making the trip a family vacation. This is fine – as long as you and your mate are enthusiastic and in complete agreement about this. Others find ways to divide their honeymoon, with the first part a time for the two of them alone and the second part a trip as a new family. This gives your children something to look forward to during the few days you are away from them.

Or you could plan a special kids’ party after you get home from the honeymoon. If you do decide to take a honeymoon away from your kids, think of ways to remember them while you are gone. Call often and send plenty of postcards or e-mails. You can even make videotapes or audiotapes to mail overnight to your children, describing your vacation spot and sending your love.

“Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette” (fifth edition), 2006, p.378