{ That’s Why God Invented Babysitters! }

Friday, September 28th, 2012 | etiquette, media, Q&A | No Comments

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, OCTOBER 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”

Q. My husband and I just got married and we had a really lovely wedding, except there’s one thing that is really bugging me. We had both decided not to have any children at our wedding, both because of the type of wedding we wanted and because we had such a small wedding, our guest list was very limited. Friends of my husband asked him about our opinion of kids at the wedding and he told them that a good gift to us would be a baby sitter as we were not having any kids at either the ceremony or reception. The first thing I saw, and heard, as I entered the church to walk down the aisle was this couple with their children, including their newborn. Am I off base or was this totally out of line?

A. I have three words for you: tacky, tacky, and tacky! Not only were his friends rude and inconsiderate, but they can’t even claim ignorance as you had a specific conversation about your decision to have a child-free wedding.

Regardless whether you are having a small or large wedding it is completely appropriate to choose not to have children at your wedding celebration. The day should reflect you as a couple, and if there are no children you are close to, or if you wish to have a “grown-up” event, there is absolutely no reason you should feel obligated to include any children on your invite list.

The best way to handle this is to be consistent: if you don’t want lots of children, don’t invite any – however, it is also ok to only invite children over a certain age. Some couples want only certain kids, for example their nieces and nephews, but no others. This choice isn’t particularly appropriate etiquette, so you need to be prepared for a little backlash.

To all prospective wedding guests out there – it has been said before, but apparently it bears repeating: IF YOUR NAME IS NOT ON THE INVITATION – YOU ARE NOT INVITED!! This includes your children, the guy you started dating last Tuesday and that unexpected house guest you need to keep entertained.

You are completely correct to be ticked off at your husband’s friends – they were totally out-of-line. As to how you should handle it now – well, that’s entirely up to you – but you should probably set a couple extra places at the table the next time you invite them over for dinner, just in case…

P.S. If it is too problematic to “not” invite the children – consider setting up a kid’s room – hire a team of babysitters and stock it full of kid-friendly fun – they’ll be nearby so their parents can check on them – you’ll get the child-free wedding you desire and you don’t have to have that sometimes uncomfortable conversation with your guests.

Tags: adult reception, calgary herald, calgary weddings, etiquette, Lisa Hanslip

Intimate or Immense…what’s a bride to do with the guest list?

Wednesday, September 9th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A | No Comments

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, MAY 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”

Q: We chose a very small venue to have our reception and it was very difficult to get our guest list small enough. We all had to cut quite a few people we would love to be there – but it simply won’t accommodate any more people. A few of our friends (and our parents’ friends) are quite offended and upset about not being invited. How should we handle this?

A: When planning a wedding, making the guest list is frequently fraught with problems. The process of cutting down the guest list is, at best, the cause of making some hard choices, and at worst, absolutely agonizing. Most of the time it can be an emotional minefield for everyone:
• Mom, I don’t care if you envisioned my wedding having 400 guests – we only want 35.
• What do you mean you want to invite your ex-girlfriend?
• No Dad, I don’t want all 47 of my first cousins at the wedding.
• You mean I can’t invite 14 people from the office, what will I tell them?

You need to decide what is important – the venue or the number of guests. Have you always dreamed of an intimate wedding or is a huge bash more your style? If you have your heart set on a small wedding you have to be a little ruthless with the guest list.

If you’re having a wedding for 350 people – your friends have a right to be offended by their omission from the guest list – however, if you’ve chosen a venue that only holds 50 people – they should understand the size constraints – that you simply don’t have the option of including everyone. It is perfectly appropriate to host a wedding for just immediate family and a few close friends.

Remember a few things which should help before making the final decisions: Your wedding is not an opportunity for your parents to get payback for all the wedding gifts they’ve given and weddings they’ve attended over the years. It is also decidedly not an occasion for them to fulfill their social obligations (nothing makes a bride feel more special on her wedding day than a room full of her father’s business associates). It is also not appropriate to send invitations to a bunch of people you know will not be able to attend – it looks like a blatant plea for gifts.

In an ideal world, you could have your ideal wedding and everyone you’ve ever met could be invited – but unless heisting a Brinks truck is in your immediate future – your friends and family need to be understanding of the type of wedding you and your fiancé have chosen.

Tags: calgary wedding planners, etiquette, Lisa Hanslip, small guest list, the wedding planner

That’s Why God Invented Babysitters!

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A | No Comments

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, OCTOBER 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”

Q. My husband and I just got married and we had a really lovely wedding, except there’s one thing that is really bugging me. We had both decided not to have any children at our wedding, both because of the type of wedding we wanted and because we had such a small wedding, our guest list was very limited. Friends of my husband asked him about our opinion of kids at the wedding and he told them that a good gift to us would be a baby sitter as we were not having any kids at either the ceremony or reception. The first thing I saw, and heard, as I entered the church to walk down the aisle was this couple with their children, including their newborn. Am I off base or was this totally out of line?

A. I have three words for you: tacky, tacky, and tacky! Not only were his friends rude and inconsiderate, but they can’t even claim ignorance as you had a specific conversation about your decision to have a child-free wedding.

Regardless whether you are having a small or large wedding it is completely appropriate to choose not to have children at your wedding celebration. The day should reflect you as a couple, and if there are no children you are close to, or if you wish to have a “grown-up” event, there is absolutely no reason you should feel obligated to include any children on your invite list.

The best way to handle this is to be consistent: if you don’t want lots of children, don’t invite any – however, it is also ok to only invite children over a certain age. Some couples want only certain kids, for example their nieces and nephews, but no others. This choice isn’t particularly appropriate etiquette, so you need to be prepared for a little backlash.

To all prospective wedding guests out there – it has been said before, but apparently it bears repeating: IF YOUR NAME IS NOT ON THE INVITATION – YOU ARE NOT INVITED!! This includes your children, the guy you started dating last Tuesday and that unexpected house guest you need to keep entertained.

You are completely correct to be ticked off at your husband’s friends – they were totally out-of-line. As to how you should handle it now – well, that’s entirely up to you – but you should probably set a couple extra places at the table the next time you invite them over for dinner, just in case…

P.S. If it is too problematic to “not” invite the children – consider setting up a kid’s room – hire a team of babysitters and stock it full of kid-friendly fun – they’ll be nearby so their parents can check on them – you’ll get the child-free wedding you desire and you don’t have to have that sometimes uncomfortable conversation with your guests.

Tags: adult reception, calgary herald, calgary weddings, etiquette, Lisa Hanslip

The etiquette of gift registries

Friday, January 30th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A | No Comments

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, FEBRUARY 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”

Q: We recently went to register for our wedding and the store clerk offered us registry enclosure cards to include in our invitations. Is this acceptable? We were also a bit unsure what to register for. Help!

 A: No, no, a thousand times, no! It may seem helpful, but it is never acceptable to enclose a registry notice or gift wish list with your invitation. Never. Ever.

 One of the major etiquette dangers is the method of informing your guests

 about your registries. The stores themselves help perpetuate this

 etiquette no-no by offering you the offensive invitation enclosures.

 Your gift registry can be one of the most fun aspects of planning your

 wedding (“Here, honey, just point this gun at things and voila, they’re on

 our wish list!”) but it can also prove to be an etiquette minefield.

 The first major issue is the registry itself. Today’s engaged couples

 often have established households of their own, so a registry is an

 excellent way for your guests to know what you actually need (Oh look!

 Another toaster! Everyone needs four toasters, don’t they?). Make sure you

 think carefully about what you actually need and make a wish list that is

 agreeable to both you and your partner.

 Your guests have different budgets, so register for items in a variety of

 price ranges. You cannot expect all of your guests to spring for that $400

 food processor, or that they will be happy buying you one teaspoon because

 at $100 a piece it is the only thing on your registry they can afford. A

 thoughtful gift registry gives everyone the opportunity to buy you

 something you will love.

 These days, it is also perfectly acceptable to register for nontraditional

 items such as hardware, sporting goods, charitable donations, or, yes,

 even the honeymoon. Keep in mind, though, that although lifestyle gifts

 are appropriate, some people are going to prefer giving you something

 tangible.

 You may prefer to receive money, which is traditional in many cultures, or

 contributions to your honeymoon fund, but you cannot tell your guests what

 to give you. It is just not polite to request gifts of ANY kind. Giving a

 wedding gift is the socially acceptable thing to do – but no one is really

 obligated to buy you a gift. Informing your guests what kind of gift you

 would like at the same time you are inviting them to your wedding is like

 telling them the gift is more important than their attendance.

 The way to let people know where you’re registered is via word of mouth.

 Make sure your bridal party and family know where you are registered or if

 you have a preference for a more non-traditional gift. Then you have to

 wait until someone asks where you are registered, and just cross your

 fingers!

Tags: calgary herald, etiquette, gift registry, Lisa Hanslip, wedding planner