etiquette expert
{ what’s a wedding guest to do…? }
Wednesday, July 17th, 2013 | media, trends | No Comments
We are frequently interviewed about all things wedding…here’s one from the perspective of the wedding guest:
No, I don’t want to go to your expensive wedding
by Melissa Leong | Financial Post | May 7, 2013
When a beautiful wedding invitation arrives in our mailbox, imagine if we could RSVP in the most honest way.
“Dear friend, Thank you so much for wanting me to be a part of your incredible celebration. But I am spending a month’s rent on gifts, a bridesmaid dress and the bachelorette party in Vegas. If you have a third bridal shower, I am going to lose it.”
“Dear cousin, I know you’re getting married at the swankiest venue in the city. But my date and I will not cover our heads at $350 a pop. Please don’t badmouth us to the rest of the family.”
“Dear work colleague, No way. In debt from the last wedding that I attended. But congrats.”
How to survive the wedding season
Attending weddings can be expensive. So here are some tips to help you emerge from the tulle-draped, flower-petal littered and champagne filled celebrations with more of your money in the bank.
Read more here
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We know weddings are expensive. Weddingbells Magazine’s annual survey recently revealed that couples spend an average of $32,358 to get married and go on a honeymoon. But lovebirds aside, it can be expensive for everyone else too. According to new research by American Express, people expect to fork out $539 per wedding this year, including $167 on travel and $108 on gifts. (Close family members spend an average of $179 on gifts and co-workers cough up $66.)
Also, more couples are opting for destination events which raises costs for traveling guests; 24% of all American weddings in 2012 were abroad, up 20% since 2008, says TheKnot.
Statistics Canada’s 2008 data shows that men get married at an average age of 31.1 and women get hitched at 29.1. So for recent graduates with student loans and for people with new careers trying to build wealth, a flurry of weddings invitations couldn’t come at a worse time.
In the past 10 years, Mira M. has attended about 20 weddings and says she’s easily spent $10,000. Last year, the 29-year-old Toronto resident went to six weddings. One bride had two engagement parties, three showers, an out-of-town stagette and an in-town stagette. And the wedding invitation read: “Monetary gifts appreciated.”
“I gave a gift at every single event,” she says. “You start to feel the pressure because the bride starts talking to you about who gave gifts and ‘How much do you think a party like this costs?’”
So how much are you supposed to give?
Well, you don’t have to give anything if you don’t want to.
Big wedding gift, big mistake
These emotional highs can sometimes lead to brash decisions — such as the decision to unconditionally give your newlywed children extraordinary wedding gifts.
Read more here
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“From an etiquette perspective, the most common misconception that I hear is that you’re supposed to spend how much you think they’re spending on your dinner. That’s not the case. [The] wedding is not supposed to be a money-making or break even proposition,” says Lisa Hanslip, owner and senior event designer at The Wedding Planner Inc. She used to write an etiquette column for the Calgary Herald. “You need to take into account how well do you know this person and what your particular circumstances are.”
She has planned several weddings in the last few years where the couple either didn’t want gifts or asked for charitable donations.
“You shouldn’t feel obligated to buy something off the registry. The registry is supposed to make it easier for you, in case you don’t know them that well or you don’t know what they need,” she says. “I’ve had clients complaining about friends’ registries where the cheapest thing is one silver teaspoon that’s $100 and you feel so stupid buying one spoon.”
Buying a silver spoon is the least of our problems if we get the call to join the ranks of the wedding party. (It’s like having the honour of being knighted, except the sword cuts your purse strings.) According to the wedding site TheKnot.com, the average bridesmaid could face a bill for $1,385 when adding all potential costs.
Julianne Taskey, a 31-year-old Toronto resident who works in fundraising has been in six wedding parties; she spends about $1,000 to fulfill her bridal party duties.
“I’m a spender. It’s someone’s special day so how do you put a price tag on it. How do you say, ‘No?’” she says.
Take just one of her events. The cost included more than $400 for a bridesmaid dress, $150 for hair and make-up, $80 for shoes, $50 for a pedicure and manicure. Add to that $150-$300 for a wedding gift, $50 to $100 for shower gifts and $500 for the bachelorette party. “The rooms, the cabs, the drinks, strippers, the bridesmaids tank tops. I probably have four [tank tops],” she says.
Going to people’s weddings could deepen your relationship
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Debauchery isn’t cheap. At bachelor parties, Armando Guedez’s friends call him “the banker.” That’s because the 31-year-old Toronto resident doesn’t drink much.
“They’ll give me the money and my job is to make sure they don’t make stupid decisions with their money,” he says.
He’s been invited to about five weddings in the last few years and the bachelor parties are the costliest part. “I usually budget $500. Drinks could be $150 to $200. The hotel and gas is shared so $50 to $100. Food might be $100. The rest goes to the ladies.”
The price of these man-parties and the $150 gift that Mr. Guedez gives at weddings is worth it, he adds. “Going to people’s weddings could deepen your relationships.”
Michael O’Farrell, a 31-year-old entrepreneur who lives in Gatineau, Que., flew to Las Vegas for his cousin’s bachelor party.
“Without the flight, it was close to $1,000 to $1,500 for three nights,” he says. “You’re a bunch of guys. They say, ‘Why don’t we spend $1,000 on drinks and bottle service?’ Everyone chips in. There’s definitely peer pressure and the guilt trip. In some cases … no one wants to take charge and if you do decide to, you’re loading up your credit card.”
He will also buy a new suit to wear to weddings. Blame Facebook for being a catalogue of our formal wear for everyone to see. (To deal with this, Mira once rented a $2,000 gown for $150 from Toronto company, Rent frock Repeat, to wear to a black-tie wedding.)
I’ve been invited to a Jack and Jill where I wasn’t invited to the wedding. It’s so tacky
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You cannot put a dollar amount to attending a wedding, Mr. O’Farrell says. “It’s a once-in-a-lifetime event for the bride and groom. Getting an invitation is a sign that you’re important in their lives. It’s important for you to be there and you want to share that moment with them … If you get invited, it’s not proper to say ‘No.’”
I’ve said “no,” and not sent a gift (which according to my mom, is the rudest thing in the world). I’ve said “no” to being in someone’s wedding party. I also don’t go to what Winnipeggers call “socials” or Jack and Jill parties where guests pay a cover and buy raffle tickets to help raise money for someone else’s wedding.
“I’ve been invited to a Jack and Jill where I wasn’t invited to the wedding. It’s so tacky,” says Kirsten Ellison, a 28-year-old student at the University of Calgary.
She has three weddings to attend this summer in Ontario and one bachelorette in Las Vegas. She’s been saving and spreading out the costs for the flights, for the “spa-rty” (spa party) ahead of one wedding and the hotels.
“I know of people who’ve taken a second mortgage on their house to have a wedding. It was an extravagant thing and all of the bridesmaids were swept up as well,” she says. “It’s important for the couple to have those who are close to them, family and friends, to be there and be supportive. At the same time, it has spun out of control and gone beyond the celebration of two people getting together.”
{ just an intimate affair…?}
Friday, May 4th, 2012 | etiquette, Q&A | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, MAY 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
Q: We chose a very small venue to have our reception and it was very difficult to get our guest list small enough. We all had to cut quite a few people we would love to be there – but it simply won’t accommodate any more people. A few of our friends (and our parents’ friends) are quite offended and upset about not being invited. How should we handle this?
A: When planning a wedding, making the guest list is frequently fraught with problems. The process of cutting down the guest list is, at best, the cause of making some hard choices, and at worst, absolutely agonizing. Most of the time it can be an emotional minefield for everyone:
• Mom, I don’t care if you envisioned my wedding having 400 guests – we only want 35.
• What do you mean you want to invite your ex-girlfriend?
• No Dad, I don’t want all 47 of my first cousins at the wedding.
• You mean I can’t invite 14 people from the office, what will I tell them?
You need to decide what is important – the venue or the number of guests. Have you always dreamed of an intimate wedding or is a huge bash more your style? If you have your heart set on a small wedding you have to be a little ruthless with the guest list.
If you’re having a wedding for 350 people – your friends have a right to be offended by their omission from the guest list – however, if you’ve chosen a venue that only holds 50 people – they should understand the size constraints – that you simply don’t have the option of including everyone. It is perfectly appropriate to host a wedding for just immediate family and a few close friends.
Remember a few things which should help before making the final decisions: Your wedding is not an opportunity for your parents to get payback for all the wedding gifts they’ve given and weddings they’ve attended over the years. It is also decidedly not an occasion for them to fulfill their social obligations (nothing makes a bride feel more special on her wedding day than a room full of her father’s business associates). It is also not appropriate to send invitations to a bunch of people you know will not be able to attend – it looks like a blatant plea for gifts.
In an ideal world, you could have your ideal wedding and everyone you’ve ever met could be invited – but unless heisting a Brinks truck is in your immediate future – your friends and family need to be understanding of the type of wedding you and your fiancé have chosen.
{ man of honour…or…how to have a guy as your bridesmaid }
Friday, April 27th, 2012 | etiquette, media, Q&A | No Comments
I know I’ve already blogged about having male bridesmaids and honour attendants of the opposite sex – but as it is a topic that comes up time and again with clients I thought it bears repeating. I think my first experience with this was a female “best man” in the mid-nineties sometime. She wore a floor-length strapless black gown and looked just lovely – and not even a little out of place – standing between the groom and the groomsmen.
I feel very strongly that you have the person or persons that mean most to you standing next to you while you get married – regardless of gender. You don’t need to have 4 attendants because your soon-to-be spouse is having 4 attendants. You don’t have to have them all in the same outfit (in fact, please don’t!!) – it’s great to infuse some character into your bridal party. And, you definitely don’t have to have female attendants because you’re the bride, nor male attendants because you’re the groom. We have had lots of “men of honour”s and “best women” over the years and it’s always perfectly appropriate – regardless if you’re having a religious or secular ceremony.
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, MARCH 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q: I’m having a very hard time choosing a maid of honour. I have a few girlfriends that I’m fairly close to, but my very best friend is a guy. We’ve known each other since junior high – and he’s seen me through everything. Would it be weird to choose him instead of a maid of honour? Should he just dress like the groomsmen? Will I give my grandmother a heart attack?
A: Unconventional, yes! Unexpected, you bet! Acceptable, absolutely!
You want your honour attendant – whether it is a maid of honour, matron of honour or man of honour – to be the person to whom you feel closest. You should choose your best friend, the person you want standing beside you on your big day – not the friend that would look best in the bridesmaid dress.
If you choose a man to be your honour attendant – you may opt to eliminate some of the “typical” duties like hosting your bridal shower, or helping you get into your wedding gown. But the most important part of the job description is being supportive and serving as the legal witness to your marriage.
Choosing your attendants can often be a difficult process – for the bride and the groom. There may be family politics involved. Or, like some, you may have served as a bridesmaid for a dozen of your friends and family members and feel obligated to ask them to stand up for you in return. Well…don’t.
This is your day – and although it is impossible to accommodate everyone’s wishes – you can’t make your choices based on not wanting to offend someone. You can’t make everyone happy – nor can you make everyone your bridesmaid – so just choose those you are currently closest to. You can always assign tasks – like doing a reading or taking care of the guest book – to those you want to feel special and included in your wedding but aren’t in the bridal party.
When you decide on the attire for your attendants, he can wear a suit or tuxedo and coordinate his tie to the other bridesmaids. This scenario also holds true for the groom. It is also perfectly acceptable to have a woman be the best “man.” A best “woman” looks great in a black strapless gown to coordinate with the other groomsmen.
So, feel free to choose your best guy friend or brother to stand up for you at your wedding. Just keep your “man of honour” away from the lavender chiffon and size 11 purple pumps – and your grandmother’s heart should be just fine!
{ my two dads }
Friday, March 30th, 2012 | etiquette, Q&A | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, JUNE 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q. I’m getting married in the fall. All the details seem to be coming together nicely except there’s one big problem…My parents divorced when I was eight and my mom re-married shortly after. My step-dad is wonderful and has always basically been the father figure. I am still quite close with my father, though, and I know either would be very disappointed about not walking me down the aisle. What should I do?
A. Hmmm…yes…this is always a very sticky situation when a bride is close to both her father and step-father. Unfortunately, there is never a clear-cut, one-size-fits-all, answer. How you choose to handle this is entirely dependant upon the personalities involved.
If you are very close with both men, etiquette states it is your natural father that should walk you down the aisle. For many brides, though, their step-dad has been so much more involved in their daily lives that it seems an automatic choice to ask him in lieu of their biological parent.
If both men get along and are amiable with each other you can choose to have both of them walk you down the aisle. Strictly speaking, this is a total no-no. However, unless Emily Post (or Dr. Phil) will be onsite to help smooth the ruffled feathers of the “dad” who does not get to walk you down the aisle – this is certainly a viable option. You could either have one escort on either arm, or have your father take you half way, and your step-father the other half. Another option is to choose your natural father to walk you down the aisle, and your stepfather for the father-daughter dance (or vice versa).
The only other option would be to avoid the situation altogether and walk down the aisle alone. From an etiquette perspective, this is a more appropriate compromise than, say, having your mom walk you down the aisle, and can potentially alleviate any hurt feelings. If you’re really worried about it, pick a ceremony venue that has a very skinny aisle (or a ridiculously pouffy dress). Then you can look your dad(s) in the eye and say with confidence…I’m so disappointed, there’s simply not room for anyone beside me. If you opt to go it alone, you could briefly pause to hug them both, and then have your fiancé escort you the last few feet.
It is wonderful to want to observe all the proper etiquette at your wedding…just don’t forget about the potential lifetime of angry glances over the Thanksgiving turkey before you make your final decision.
Lisa Hanslip is a Calgary wedding planner (www. askaweddingplanner.com). Her advice appears regularly on the Love Stories pages.
{ receiving line…yay or nay? }
Saturday, March 10th, 2012 | etiquette, media, Q&A | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, APRIL 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q: We’ve been told we need to have a receiving line at our wedding – but we don’t really know when it is supposed to be or even who exactly is supposed to be included – do we really need to have one?
A: Traditionally, it is considered proper etiquette to have a receiving line at any wedding with more than 50 guests. The purpose of the receiving line is to give the hosts and the happy couple an opportunity to personally greet each guest.
The receiving line usually starts with the parents of the bride, followed by the groom, the bride, the parents of the groom, and sometimes the maid of honour. The groomsmen do not participate in the receiving line nor do the bridesmaids (hmmm…eight attendants and 250 wedding guests…we might get to sit down for dinner sometime before their first anniversary).
Today, it is perfectly acceptable not to have a receiving line. If you’re planning to invite enough people to fill all four halls of the Round-Up Centre – it is probably best to skip it. But, if you’ve invited less than 200 people, it can certainly be manageable – and useful: If even your best party-mingling efforts don’t allow you to visit with each guest during the reception – you can relax knowing you spoke with everyone during the receiving line.
The receiving line can be held at the church as people exit or at the reception as people enter. It can be a great way to usher people out of the ceremony or into the reception – but allow enough time so you’re not impinging on your time for wedding photos or the start of dinner. The receiving line can be rather a lengthy process – so count on at least half an hour to greet all of your guests – closer to an hour if you have lots of chatty relatives to contend with.
Just remember – whether or not you have a receiving line – the important thing is that you greet each and every guest and thank them personally for sharing in your big day. If you decide to go for it – make sure your comfy shoes and bottle of Purell are at the ready – and you’ll be all set.
Lisa Hanslip is a Calgary wedding planner (www. askaweddingplanner.com). Her advice appears regularly on the Love Stories pages.
hmm…our venue is on fire…isn’t that delightful!?!
Thursday, February 23rd, 2012 | etiquette, Q&A | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, MAY 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
Q. Our wedding is a few weeks away and our reception venue just had a big fire. Although we had our hearts set on this location, we decided to book another place close by instead of waiting for the repairs to be completed. What is the proper way to inform our guests? Can we just tell everyone at the ceremony?
A. All sorts of things can pop up (or burn down) when planning a wedding. The venue can double book, the church can flood, the photographer can unexpectedly choose another occupation (what do you mean you’ve really always wanted to be a plumber?), or there can be a family emergency requiring a postponement. Whatever the scenario, it is not uncommon for something to instigate either a change of date or a change of venue.
Typically, the appropriate etiquette to handle a change of wedding details is mailing the new details to your guests. Either a hand written note or a simple card – printed to match your invitations – is acceptable.
Had you decided to postpone your wedding the same rules would apply. It is the top priority to inform your guests if there is a major change – such as a change of date or a change of locale. Every wedding usually has at least a few guests coming from out of town – they’ve graciously taken time off work and made travel arrangements. Your local guests may have arranged baby sitters or transportation. Make sure you tell them…post haste!
With so little time before your wedding date I suggest using the telephone. Although your new venue is nearby, it is courteous to let your guests have some warning. A reminder at the ceremony – either printed on the programs or with a verbal announcement – is always a good idea. However, there are inevitably always a few guests that don’t make it to the ceremony (I told you it was left on Main Street), and even more guests that don’t bother reading the programs (Oh, doesn’t she look beautiful, I wonder what I’ll look like on my wedding day…).
So, enlist your family and your bridesmaids to help you man the phones. Then, take a deep breath and relax (having a fire extinguisher at the ready couldn’t hurt either!). Well done finding a new reception venue so quickly – your wedding will be smooth sailing.
Peggy Post’s Top Ten Honeymoon Tips (6-10)
Friday, January 27th, 2012 | etiquette, travel | No Comments
Here are the remaining tips for honeymoon planning. I wouldn’t have paid much attention to the ones about having someone look after pets, etc. at the time we got married…I’m glad we didn’t have our pug Lulu then as I don’t think I would’ve enjoyed being away for almost a month…and it would’ve been a huge shame to have missed out on our 3.5 weeks in Italy…they were perfect and glorious! The other destination that was in the running was Bora Bora…those glorious over water huts…
6. Take care of the caretakers. As a matter of security as well as courtesy and common sense, leave a written schedule of your trip, including telephone numbers, with the people who maintain your home, take care of pets, water plants, or pick up mail. The same, of course, applies if you have children and you’re leaving them with a relative or other caregiver. Be sure to give your parents or other close relatives copies of your schedule, as well. Take with you on your honeymoon the phone numbers of any caretakers. Leave written instructions for feeding pets, giving medications, or watering plants. Be sure to stock up on food and the like so that caretakers are not obligated to spend money on supplies. Don’t forget to write thank-you notes and perhaps even purchase small gifts for those people who took care of things while you were away.
7. Don’t neglect post-wedding tasks. Take care of post wedding loose ends so that they don’t burden anyone else while you are away on your honeymoon. It’s fine to delegate tasks to others; just make the arrangements ahead of time. These jobs could include dealing with rental returns, keeping an eye out for wedding gift deliveries, mailing your wedding announcements, and delivering your wedding gown to storage.
8. Plan for wedding announcements. If you’re sending wedding announcements, it’s a good idea to have them addressed and stamped before the wedding, either by you or someone helping you. Ideally, they should go into the mail soon after your wedding day. Traditionally announcements are mailed the day after the wedding, but that’s no longer necessary. Mailing announcements anytime a few days- or even weeks- after your big day is fine. Ask a friend or relative to mail your announcements if you would like them sent during the time you’re away on your honeymoon.
9. Set aside time to talk. It’s easy for couples who are swept up in countless pre-wedding details and duties to become somewhat myopic about preparing for life after the wedding. Make sure to set aside time during the honeymoon to discuss ways to make the transition to married life go smoothly. For example, the realities of keeping a household budget and dividing household chores are something you’ll need to discuss. Talk about how you plan to communicate in general, making sure you are both committed to open communication. It helps enormously to commit from the start to a certain flexibility and willingness to compromise- and to stick to it. It’s a lifelong pledge.
10. Pamper, indulge, relax! This should be a once-in-a-lifetime event for the two of you. So don’t be afraid to splurge on a few extras. It could be his and hers massages at the hotel spa – or supplies for giving each other spa treatments in the privacy of your own room. Other possibilities: a sunset sail if you’re near a beach, or an extravagant meal of lobster tails and filet mignon. Whatever the indulgence – enjoy! This is a special time.
“Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette” (fifth edition), 2006, p.379
the etiquette of gift registries
Saturday, January 21st, 2012 | etiquette, Q&A | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, FEBRUARY 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
Q: We recently went to register for our wedding and the store clerk offered us registry enclosure cards to include in our invitations. Is this acceptable? We were also a bit unsure what to register for. Help!
A: No, no, a thousand times, no! It may seem helpful, but it is never acceptable to enclose a registry notice or gift wish list with your invitation. Never. Ever.
One of the major etiquette dangers is the method of informing your guests about your registries. The stores themselves help perpetuate this etiquette no-no by offering you the offensive invitation enclosures.
Your gift registry can be one of the most fun aspects of planning your wedding (”Here, honey, just point this gun at things and voila, they’re on our wish list!”) but it can also prove to be an etiquette minefield.
The first major issue is the registry itself. Today’s engaged couples often have established households of their own, so a registry is an excellent way for your guests to know what you actually need (Oh look! Another toaster! Everyone needs four toasters, don’t they?). Make sure you think carefully about what you actually need and make a wish list that is agreeable to both you and your partner.
Your guests have different budgets, so register for items in a variety of price ranges. You cannot expect all of your guests to spring for that $400 food processor, or that they will be happy buying you one teaspoon because at $100 a piece it is the only thing on your registry they can afford. A thoughtful gift registry gives everyone the opportunity to buy you something you will love.
These days, it is also perfectly acceptable to register for nontraditional items such as hardware, sporting goods, charitable donations, or, yes, even the honeymoon. Keep in mind, though, that although lifestyle gifts are appropriate, some people are going to prefer giving you something tangible.
You may prefer to receive money, which is traditional in many cultures, or contributions to your honeymoon fund, but you cannot tell your guests what to give you. It is just not polite to request gifts of ANY kind. Giving a wedding gift is the socially acceptable thing to do – but no one is really obligated to buy you a gift. Informing your guests what kind of gift you would like at the same time you are inviting them to your wedding is like telling them the gift is more important than their attendance.
The way to let people know where you’re registered is via word of mouth.
Make sure your bridal party and family know where you are registered or if you have a preference for a more non-traditional gift. Then you have to wait until someone asks where you are registered, and just cross your fingers!
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