Back-off Mom…It’s My Turn!!

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A, trends, weddings | 5 Comments

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, AUGUST 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”

Q. We’ve recently started planning our wedding and it seems like everyone has an opinion about how everything is supposed to be done. No one really agrees which one is the “right” way, but I’m fairly certain a lot of them are definitely the wrong way. I really like my future in-laws, but their ideas are making me cringe. I don’t want to offend them – but how do I tell them that their plans are way off base?

A. Getting everyone to agree on details when planning a wedding can often require more tact and patience than a UN peacekeeping summit. You want to make sure that you’re following protocol, and do not offend your guests. However, while you are planning your wedding you are also establishing a relationship with your future in-laws and don’t want to cause hard feelings that may still be lingering when it comes time to plan your 25th anniversary party.

If the details in question are small (your future mother-in-law wants programs that include all the readings for your ceremony and you don’t), the best idea is to let them go – by letting her take charge of something you don’t care too much about – it might take the attention off a more contentious issue. If they’re a big deal like she is determined your wedding colours should be purple and green (or some other combination you find equally distasteful), or she decided she didn’t get to invite enough people and has had her own invitations printed (even though you’ve already invited more people than the venue will hold) – then something should be said – but not by you. It will make for far less hurt feelings to always have your fiancé deal with issues involving his family, and you with yours (bringing in those UN peacekeeping forces might be a wise idea also).

Here are a few tried and tested rules of etiquette that will help the bride and groom, their families and the guests from pulling their (or anyone else’s) hair out:

• The mother of the bride or mother of the groom should never host the bridal shower.
• Don’t invite 400 people if you can only afford to host 100 – and similarly don’t invite throngs of people you know cannot attend in hopes they’ll send a gift.
• Make sure your guests feel welcome – think about details like parking and dietary restrictions – and don’t expect them to pay for anything at your wedding.
• Don’t refer to gifts or gift registries with the wedding invitations; however it is ok in the bridal shower invitations as the bride or bride’s family is not hosting (see above).
• The rules of “who pays for what” are traditional – but don’t be unreasonable: don’t ask the groom’s family for money – but don’t be shy about discussing the realities of the financial situation and accepting help or to split costs.
• The bride and groom must send a written thank-you note for every gift (yes, even those crocheted place mats!) – and do so in a timely manner – aim to get them out in a month – but absolutely no later than three months after the wedding.

Good luck with your in-laws…but don’t let anyone make you lose sight of the fact that the day is about you and your fiancé…enjoy!

Tags: calgary herald, calgary wedding, Lisa Hanslip, pushy mother-in-law, wedding etiquette

Calling All Tacky Brides!!

Monday, April 20th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A, trends, weddings | No Comments

Ok…seriously…I know no one sets out to be a tacky bride. I know sometimes friends, families and retail establishments give engaged couples erroneous information & advice. After writing an etiquette column for many years…and having a website titled “ask” a wedding planner…many people do just that…It wasn’t a bride that asked the last question, it was a wedding guest that was perplexed by a wedding invitation they received:

“We have been invited to a wedding and on the invitation was told there would be a presentation basket at the reception. What is this? Thanks in advance.”

So I may as well tell you what I told them:
Typically a presentation basket is referring to money – which by they way is COMPLETELY tacky to reference on a wedding invitation. You should not feel obliged to give them money if you would prefer to give them a tangible gift. It is a complete etiquette no-no to reference gifts of ANY kind on the invitation – and registries & suggestions are merely there to make things easier for the guests – it is not appropriate to mandate what, if anything, you give as a wedding gift.

Hope that helps!

When it comes to gift registry cards, sending guests gift requests, having a cash bar before dinner, letting the tulle fairy throw up on you or your reception venue….JUST SAY NO!! When you look back on your wedding in 20 years…you’ll be oh-so-glad you did! 😀

Tags: gift registry, invitations, Lisa Hanslip, wedding etiquette

What’s a bride to do with the mystery gifts?

Tuesday, April 14th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A, weddings | No Comments

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, JULY 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”

Q. We just got married a couple of weeks ago and there are a couple of things we’re a bit concerned about: there were a few gifts that seemed to have lost their cards (we can “sort of” figure out who they are from based on some cards that weren’t attached to anything) and a couple of guests who normally always observe stringent rules of etiquette but didn’t give us anything – and we’re worried that maybe it got lost. Should we actually ask them (what if they actually didn’t buy us a gift – then it would be weird, wouldn’t it?)?

A. There always seem to be a few gifts that manage to lose their cards, and a few guests that amazingly seem to attend a wedding without giving a gift.

As for the guests with no gifts – this is both cheap and tacky (always a marvelous combination). Ideally, wedding guests arrange for the couple to receive their gift before the wedding – so someone doesn’t have to be responsible for getting all the gifts home from the reception.

Attention all wedding guests: although it is completely appropriate to give the newlyweds their gift anytime in the first year of marriage – if you plan to wait, whatever the reason, tell them (“We’re very sorry your gift is not here – it will be arriving at your door in six to eight months – it’s being delivered by pack mule from Argentina!”). This will save the poor couple from worrying that your gift got lost (or from deciding you’re a big cheapskate).

As for the etiquette sticklers that did not give you a gift or mention the absence of one…this is a sticky situation. Perhaps just tell them you’re worried that their gift went missing and were curious if they left it on the gift table at the reception (who knows, maybe they forgot it in the trunk of their car, or it is sitting carefully in a closet at their house).

Now…where Emily Post dictates a wedding guest has a year to give a gift – it is quite the opposite on the thank you card front. Everyone knows you’re very busy – but don’t make your guests wait forever for their thank you cards. You absolutely must send them within three months of your wedding day…no slacking! If there are a couple of cards that were not attached to anything – and a couple of gifts with no cards – simply thank them for the “lovely gift”.

So all you wedding guests out there – if you attend the wedding – give them a gift – and if it will be coming some time in the future – tell them! If you do bring the gift to the reception – make sure you’re actually putting it on the gift table…and get friendly with the scotch tape – don’t make them guess which gift is from you because the card fell off (you don’t want credit for a set of plastic mixing bowls when you actually bought them a silver gravy boat).

Tags: calgary herald, Lisa Hanslip, wedding Calgary, wedding etiquette, wedding gift

Hmmm…our venue is on fire…isn’t that delightful!

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A, weddings | No Comments

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, MAY 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”

Q. Our wedding is a few weeks away and our reception venue just had a big fire. Although we had our hearts set on this location, we decided to book another place close by instead of waiting for the repairs to be completed. What is the proper way to inform our guests? Can we just tell everyone at the ceremony?

A. All sorts of things can pop up (or burn down) when planning a wedding. The venue can double book, the church can flood, the photographer can unexpectedly choose another occupation (what do you mean you’ve really always wanted to be a plumber?), or there can be a family emergency requiring a postponement. Whatever the scenario, it is not uncommon for something to instigate either a change of date or a change of venue.

Typically, the appropriate etiquette to handle a change of wedding details is mailing the new details to your guests. Either a hand written note or a simple card – printed to match your invitations – is acceptable.

Had you decided to postpone your wedding the same rules would apply. It is the top priority to inform your guests if there is a major change – such as a change of date or a change of locale. Every wedding usually has at least a few guests coming from out of town – they’ve graciously taken time off work and made travel arrangements. Your local guests may have arranged baby sitters or transportation. Make sure you tell them…post haste!

With so little time before your wedding date I suggest using the telephone. Although your new venue is nearby, it is courteous to let your guests have some warning. A reminder at the ceremony – either printed on the programs or with a verbal announcement – is always a good idea. However, there are inevitably always a few guests that don’t make it to the ceremony (I told you it was left on Main Street), and even more guests that don’t bother reading the programs (Oh, doesn’t she look beautiful, I wonder what I’ll look like on my wedding day…).

So, enlist your family and your bridesmaids to help you man the phones. Then, take a deep breath and relax (having a fire extinguisher at the ready couldn’t hurt either!). Well done finding a new reception venue so quickly – your wedding will be smooth sailing.

Tags: calgary herald, change of venue, Lisa Hanslip, wedding etiquette, wedding planner

the best man said WHAT???

Monday, March 9th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A | No Comments

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, APRIL 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”

The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.

Q: I’m starting to get a bit nervous about the toasts. We were at a wedding last weekend and the best man was a bit drunk. Not only did he talk too long, but he spent most of the time discussing the groom’s ex-girlfriends. Is there any way to avoid this at our wedding?

A: Absolutely. Feel free to give your family and bridal party some guidelines. Those that plan to give toasts should prepare in advance (written out completely or at least in the form of notes). You don’t want the most memorable thing at your wedding to be how long your uncle droned on about what a talented two-year-old you were, or that the best man rambled endlessly about the groom’s high school high jinks.

There are a few etiquette points to be aware of:

• If seated, stand when offering a toast.
• Keep it simple, and keep it personal.
• To “finish” a toast, raise your glass and say the couple’s names (“To Sally & Ben”), then take a sip. Everyone else will follow your lead.
• When you are the one being toasted, stay seated, and don’t raise your glass.

It is absolutely appropriate to begin by saying you are honoured to share the wedding day with the couple. A good starting point is talking casually about your relationship with the couple and relating one or two quick anecdotes. A nice way to close is by pointing out what’s special about their relationship and why you think they’re perfect for each other.

Dwelling on potentially touchy subjects, like a difference in religion or race, or an unhappy ex-spouse is decidedly NOT appropriate. Don’t apologize for being a bad speaker, or announce you don’t really want to speak. And most definitely don’t talk too much about the bride or groom’s past conquests or be cryptic by telling stories that only the bride & groom will understand (common fodder for the “tipsy toast”).

The most important thing to remember for anyone giving a toast at a wedding is that brevity is the soul of wit. Even if you have a story to tell, don’t use the long version – a wedding toast should never be more than 3-5 minutes long. Very often the errant toast is a result of too many nerves and too little preparation (that sixth glass of champagne probably won’t help either!). So with some helpful hints – and a big deep breath – your fiancé’s best man can deliver a memorable and meaningful toast – and you can relax and enjoy it….Cheers!

Tags: best man toast, calgary herald, Lisa Hanslip, wedding etiquette, weddings

Receiving line…yay or nay?

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A | No Comments

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, APRIL 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”

The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.

Q: We’ve been told we need to have a receiving line at our wedding – but we don’t really know when it is supposed to be or even who exactly is supposed to be included – do we really need to have one?

A: Traditionally, it is considered proper etiquette to have a receiving line at any wedding with more than 50 guests. The purpose of the receiving line is to give the hosts and the happy couple an opportunity to personally greet each guest.

The receiving line usually starts with the parents of the bride, followed by the groom, the bride, the parents of the groom, and sometimes the maid of honour. The groomsmen do not participate in the receiving line nor do the bridesmaids (hmmm…eight attendants and 250 wedding guests…we might get to sit down for dinner sometime before their first anniversary).

Today, it is perfectly acceptable not to have a receiving line. If you’re planning to invite enough people to fill all four halls of the Round-Up Centre – it is probably best to skip it. But, if you’ve invited less than 200 people, it can certainly be manageable – and useful: If even your best party-mingling efforts don’t allow you to visit with each guest during the reception – you can relax knowing you spoke with everyone during the receiving line.

The receiving line can be held at the church as people exit or at the reception as people enter. It can be a great way to usher people out of the ceremony or into the reception – but allow enough time so you’re not impinging on your time for wedding photos or the start of dinner. The receiving line can be rather a lengthy process – so count on at least half an hour to greet all of your guests – closer to an hour if you have lots of chatty relatives to contend with.

Just remember – whether or not you have a receiving line – the important thing is that you greet each and every guest and thank them personally for sharing in your big day. If you decide to go for it – make sure your comfy shoes and bottle of Purell are at the ready – and you’ll be all set.

Lisa Hanslip is a Calgary wedding planner (www. askaweddingplanner.com). Her advice appears regularly on the Love Stories pages.

Tags: calgary herald, calgary weddings, receiving line, wedding, wedding etiquette

Bridesmaids Dresses….what ever will they wear?

Friday, February 6th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A, weddings | No Comments

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, MARCH 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”

The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.

Q: I’m having trouble choosing a dress for my 10 bridesmaids. I want them all in the same dress but how do I choose one that will look good on all of them? Do I have to pay for all of them? Do they need to match my wedding gown?

A: Just like most things in life – one size usually doesn’t fit all – and one dress won’t suit all unless your bridesmaids have similar body types. When it comes to your attendants’ attire – uniformity is nice, it’s expected, but absolutely not necessary. In fact, mixing up the styles a bit is practically the norm these days. At the very least, it is nice to set your maid of honour apart by choosing a different dress in the same colour or the same dress in a different colour.

Choosing a bridesmaid dress shouldn’t be looked at as an opportunity for retribution for that frilly sea-foam green number taunting you from the back of your closet. Be nice. These are your friends. Most women are  initially thrilled when asked to be a bridesmaid, but if they’ve ever been a bridesmaid before, inside their head they’re groaning (What is she going to make me wear?). Consider choosing a colour and style grouping from one designer and letting your bridesmaids choose which one they feel best suits them. That way, as it will be the same fabric and the same general style, they will look matching , but your best friend won’t be hiding in the corner all evening for fear of falling out of the strapless dress you’ve chosen for her.

The bridesmaid dress should match the formality of your dress – so don’t put them in a sundress if you’re wearing a formal gown with a train – but it is no longer necessary to have your attendant’s dresses emulate your gown. Bridesmaid’s dresses not only used to match the wedding gown – but were identical. The original purpose for a bridesmaid was to confuse the evil spirits. These days, they’re there for moral support and to look pretty walking down the aisle.

Tags: bridesmaids dresses, Lisa Hanslip, wedding Calgary, wedding etiquette