wedding etiquette
ask the expert
Wednesday, January 5th, 2011 | etiquette, media, Q&A | No Comments
Weddings in Alberta is launching its first issue this month.
http://weddingsinalberta.com/articles.php?articleId=429
We’re excited to see everything in print. It is monthly so it should be very popular with the brides!
always a bridesman, never a….??
Wednesday, April 14th, 2010 | etiquette, media, Q&A | No Comments
I know I’ve already blogged about having male bridesmaids and honour attendants of the opposite sex – but as it came up again in a recent meeting with a client I thought it bears repeating. I think my first experience with this was a female “best man” in the mid-nineties sometime. She wore a floor-length strapless black gown and looked just lovely – and not even a little out of place – standing between the groom and the groomsmen.
I feel very strongly that you have the person or persons that mean most to you standing next to you while you get married – regardless of gender. You don’t need to have 4 attendants because your soon-to-be spouse is having 4 attendants. You don’t have to have them all in the same outfit (in fact, please don’t!!) – it’s great to infuse some character into your bridal party. And, you definitely don’t have to have female attendants because you’re the bride, nor male attendants because you’re the groom. We have had lots of “men of honour”s and “best women” over the years and it’s always perfectly appropriate – regardless if you’re having a religious or secular ceremony.
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, MARCH 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q: I’m having a very hard time choosing a maid of honour. I have a few girlfriends that I’m fairly close to, but my very best friend is a guy. We’ve known each other since junior high – and he’s seen me through everything. Would it be weird to choose him instead of a maid of honour? Should he just dress like the groomsmen? Will I give my grandmother a heart attack?
A: Unconventional, yes! Unexpected, you bet! Acceptable, absolutely!
You want your honour attendant – whether it is a maid of honour, matron of honour or man of honour – to be the person to whom you feel closest. You should choose your best friend, the person you want standing beside you on your big day – not the friend that would look best in the bridesmaid dress.
If you choose a man to be your honour attendant – you may opt to eliminate some of the “typical” duties like hosting your bridal shower, or helping you get into your wedding gown. But the most important part of the job description is being supportive and serving as the legal witness to your marriage.
Choosing your attendants can often be a difficult process – for the bride and the groom. There may be family politics involved. Or, like some, you may have served as a bridesmaid for a dozen of your friends and family members and feel obligated to ask them to stand up for you in return. Well…don’t.
This is your day – and although it is impossible to accommodate everyone’s wishes – you can’t make your choices based on not wanting to offend someone. You can’t make everyone happy – nor can you make everyone your bridesmaid – so just choose those you are currently closest to. You can always assign tasks – like doing a reading or taking care of the guest book – to those you want to feel special and included in your wedding but aren’t in the bridal party.
When you decide on the attire for your attendants, he can wear a suit or tuxedo and coordinate his tie to the other bridesmaids. This scenario also holds true for the groom. It is also perfectly acceptable to have a woman be the best “man.” A best “woman” looks great in a black strapless gown to coordinate with the other groomsmen.
So, feel free to choose your best guy friend or brother to stand up for you at your wedding. Just keep your “man of honour” away from the lavender chiffon and size 11 purple pumps – and your grandmother’s heart should be just fine!
Who’s Paying For All This Exactly??
Saturday, February 27th, 2010 | etiquette, trends | No Comments
One of our new clients mentioned that they were really stressed about figuring out who is supposed to pay for what at the wedding. This is a question that clients used to ask me ALL the time – but in the last 5 or 6 years it actually hasn’t come up very often, or only in regards to the rehearsal dinner or one small detail.
A good portion of our clients are paying for the wedding themselves so if their parents contribute any money it’s just a nice bonus, but when an engaged couple is counting on their families to pay for most or all of the wedding it can be a sticky topic for a number of reasons.
It’s rarely the case that both families have similar financial circumstances, and some families wish to stick to a very traditional division of costs where other families don’t have the slightest idea who is supposed to pay for what. All of these elements can conspire to cause the couple a lot of stress – even just bringing up the subject of the financial obligations can cause even the calmest couple some sleepless nights.
Traditionally, of course, the bride’s family assumed the burden of most wedding costs – probably a vestige of the practice of providing a large dowry to attract a good husband (!!). However, these days only about 25% of weddings are paid for solely by the bride’s parents.
Today, almost 70% of weddings are paid for either by the couple or by some combination of both sets of parents. It’s now VERY common for both families to share the costs equally, or for the bride and groom to pay for all of the expenses themselves.
If you do want financial help from your families to pay for the wedding, you must keep in mind you must be wiling to compromise on some of your wishes for your wedding. Although it can be a difficult subject to broach this subject with your parents – do your best to keep the conversation calm & dignified…it’s amazing how grievances that arise during the engagement can linger far past the actual wedding…whatever happens, whoever pays…just remember these people are going to be your family for the rest of your life so tread lightly!
If age-old tradition is ruling the financial structure of your wedding, here is the TRADITIONAL DIVISION OF COSTS from Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette:
The Bride & Her Family:
• services of a wedding consultant
• invitations, enclosures, announcements
• bride’s wedding gown & accessories
• floral decorations for ceremony & reception
• bridesmaids’ flowers
• bride’s bouquet
• formal wedding photos
• videographer
• music for church & reception
• transportation of bridal party to & from ceremony
• all reception expenses
• bride’s gifts to her attendants
• bride’s gift to groom
• groom’s wedding ring
• ceremony rentals
• cost of soloists
• transportation of bridal party to reception
• accommodations for bride’s attendants
• bridesmaids’ luncheon
The Groom & His Family:
• bride’s engagement ring
• bride’s wedding ring
• gifts for groom’s attendants
• ties for groom’s attendants if not part of rental package
• bride’s bouquet (in regions where this is the custom)
• bride’s going-away corsage
• boutonnieres for groom’s attendants
• corsages for immediate members of both families
• officiant’s fee or church donation
• transportation & lodging expenses for the officiant if required & invited to officiate by groom’s family
• marriage license
• transportation for groom and best man to ceremony
• honeymoon
• all costs of rehearsal dinner
• accommodations for groom’s attendants
• bachelor dinner (if groom wishes to have one)
• transportation and lodging for groom’s immediate family*
Bridesmaids/Honour Attendants:
• purchase of apparel and all accessories
• transportation to and from city where wedding takes place
• a contribution to a gift from bridesmaids to bride
• individual gift to couple (if being in the wedding is not the gift)
• shower/luncheon for bride
Ushers/Groomsmen/Best Man:
• rental/purchase of wedding attire
• transportation to and from city where wedding takes place
• a contribution to a gift from groomsmen to groom
• individual gift to couple (if being in the wedding is not the gift)
• bachelor party for groom
Out-of-town guests:
• transportation to & from wedding
• lodging expenses
• wedding gift
* just as a total aside – it always makes me crazy when I watch “Father of the Bride” and Diane Keaton tells Steve Martin they have to pay for all of the groom’s family to fly in from Denmark…NO!!! No you don’t!! Whether you’re following old traditions or new – or none for that matter – unless you happen to own an airlines…that would be just stupid…but artistic license I guess 
The Good, The Bad & The Downright Scary…
Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 | etiquette, Q&A | No Comments
One of our brides is currently having some bridesmaid “issues” so we thought this might be useful.
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, MARCH 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q: I’m having trouble choosing a dress for my 10 bridesmaids. I want them all in the same dress but how do I choose one that will look good on all of them? Do I have to pay for all of them? Do they need to match my wedding gown?
A: Just like most things in life – one size usually doesn’t fit all – and one dress won’t suit all unless your bridesmaids have similar body types. When it comes to your attendants’ attire – uniformity is nice, it’s expected, but absolutely not necessary. In fact, mixing up the styles a bit is practically the norm these days. At the very least, it is nice to set your maid of honour apart by choosing a different dress in the same colour or the same dress in a different colour.
Choosing a bridesmaid dress shouldn’t be looked at as an opportunity for retribution for that frilly sea-foam green number taunting you from the back of your closet. Be nice. These are your friends. Most women are initially thrilled when asked to be a bridesmaid, but if they’ve ever been a bridesmaid before, inside their head they’re groaning (What is she going to make me wear?). Consider choosing a colour and style grouping from one designer and letting your bridesmaids choose which one they feel best suits them. That way, as it will be the same fabric and the same general style, they will look matching , but your best friend won’t be hiding in the corner all evening for fear of falling out of the strapless dress you’ve chosen for her.
The bridesmaid dress should match the formality of your dress – so don’t put them in a sundress if you’re wearing a formal gown with a train – but it is no longer necessary to have your attendant’s dresses emulate your gown. Bridesmaid’s dresses not only used to match the wedding gown – but were identical. The original purpose for a bridesmaid was to confuse the evil spirits. These days, they’re there for moral support and to look pretty walking down the aisle.
It is expected that the bridesmaids will cover the cost of their own attire, however some brides opt to pay, depending on the cost of the dress they’ve chosen, or the financial circumstances of their friends. So, unless you are planning to foot the bill yourself – be kind with both style and price. And, by the way, feel free just to have three or four bridesmaids, not ten – you don’t need all of your guests standing at the front with you!
One family’s zoo is another family’s small gathering
Sunday, October 11th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, JANUARY 2006, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q. My fiancé and I are planning to get married in about eight months, but we haven’t made many plans yet because we can’t seem to agree on what the wedding should look like. As this is the second marriage for both of us I would like a small intimate event. My fiancé on the other hand comes from a very large family and is expecting a large celebration. Do you have any suggestions how we can plan a wedding that will make everyone happy?
A. A wedding is not just a celebration of the union of two people, but more often than not, it is the joining of two families – which brings with it a veritable treasure trove of opposing traditions and expectations. If the meeting of the in-laws doesn’t tragically mirror a scene from Meet the Fockers consider yourself lucky.
A good compromise in many situations is to split the difference – but I don’t think a medium-sized ceremony and reception will satisfy either side – you’ll still feel like the event was much bigger than you were hoping for (“There were 150 people at my wedding, it was a total zoo!”) – and your fiancé’s family will inevitably deem the moderate guest list too small (“How can we possibly have a proper wedding celebration with only 150 people?!?”).
You might consider having a small intimate ceremony with just your immediate family and closest friends followed by a large celebration later in the day. This way you’ll have the memory of a ceremony that reflected your sensibilities while your fiancé and his family can relish tales of the big bash.
Another option is to have the large wedding your fiancé’s family is hoping for, followed by a small gathering. Try a morning ceremony followed by a raucous afternoon reception – then in the evening you can sit down to an intimate dinner for just immediate family.
Whatever you decide to do – make sure it is a solution that doesn’t leave either of you disgruntled. Focus on what you two need from your day, even if that means ignoring your families. It doesn’t bode well if one of you spends your wedding night on the sofa (because that only leads to a honeymoon spent on the marriage counselor’s couch – and that’s no good for anybody).
Eeeeek!! Hide your grooms…BRIDEZILLA has arrived!
Thursday, July 16th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, JUNE 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
image credit: Alex Eben Meyer (http://www.eben.com)
Q. My best friend is getting married in a few months and I am so happy for her, but in the six months since she got engaged she’s changed into a totally different person. She never wants to discuss anything but the wedding and she’s obsessing about every single detail. Since I announced I’m pregnant she no longer wants me to be her bridesmaid because I won’t look good in the wedding photos. She’s gone completely crazy, is there anything I can do to snap her out of it?
A. Alas, I fear Bridezilla has reared her ugly head:
bridezilla (brId-ZILL-uh) n. A bride-to-be who, while planning her wedding, becomes exceptionally selfish, greedy, and obnoxious.
Bridezillas are a new breed of brides who abuse the idea that weddings are their day to get exactly what they want. They terrorize their bridal party and family members, make greedy demands and break all rules of etiquette. Their sole desire is to be the single most important person on the planet from the time of engagement right up until the last dance at their wedding.
Here are some tell-tale signs that someone you love might be turning into a Bridezilla:
-The bride is incapable of discussing any subject other than her wedding.
-The bride barely eats so she can fit into her dress and then complains that she’s hungry all the time.
-The bride obsessively watches what her bridal party is eating and gasps every time anyone reaches for a cookie.
-The mother-of-the-bride and the maid-of-honour are beginning to feel like medieval footservants.
-The bride chooses couture bridesmaid dresses, even though most of her friends are on a budget. She does not, however, offer to pay.
-When the bride is discussing all the details of her wedding (which she does to every person who crosses her path) you can’t help but picture more “Bride of Frankenstein” than “Princess Bride.”
-The bride is thrilled when her groom is sent away on business (“Finally, he’ll stop interfering in all of my plans…”).
Your friend may have been the sweetest girl you knew before she got engaged, but once a bride falls to the dark side, there’s very little you can do but grin and breathe deeply (slipping the bride a valium couldn’t hurt either). So, take a deep breath and count the days until your friend returns to her normal self. In the meantime…be afraid, be very afraid.
Put the cupcake down & step away from the table!!
Monday, June 22nd, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A | No Comments
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q. I’m hoping you can help me. When my fiancé proposed about eight months ago, I was so excited I ran right out and bought my wedding gown. I was so determined to get into shape before the wedding that I bought a dress a size too small. I was certain I could lose enough weight in 11 months to look fabulous in this dress – but now that the wedding is three months away I don’t think I’ll actually fit into it. What should I do?
A. Oh dear…you are certainly not alone in the “it will fit!” attitude to your wedding dress. However, now that it looks like “it won’t fit!!” you need a realistic plan of attack to make sure you actually have something to wear.
You’d be hard pressed to find a bridal magazine or website without copious amounts of information about fitness or weight-loss programs aimed at whipping you into shape for the big day. It seems to be the norm that engagement equates to frenzied fitness and beauty regimens – for the bride anyway. Just as most brides have a long-held fairy tale vision of what their wedding will look like, they have an equally long-held vision of what they’ll look like walking down the aisle.
A reputable bridal shop shouldn’t have let you out the door with a dress that “might fit.” So, unless you bought off the rack, and they didn’t know the dress did not fit you, you should enlist the store for help. You should also start asking everyone you know for the name of a seamstress.
I know you want to look your absolute best in the wedding photos – but remember that your fiancé proposed to you, as you are – not some ideal you may or may not achieve by the wedding day. What I’m sure will make him happiest is the knowledge that you’re actually enjoying yourself at the wedding. For that you need to feel comfortable – comfortable in your dress and comfortable with yourself.
I suggest you run, don’t walk, to the nearest skilled seamstress to see what can be done with your dress. Then take a deep breath, know that you will look beautiful and radiant on your wedding day – and perhaps steer clear of the woman that insists on bringing big boxes of doughnuts into the office!
My Bridal Party is Lopsided…help!
Friday, May 29th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A, weddings | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, SEPTEMBER 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q. I’m having trouble choosing my attendants (or support team, as I like to think of them). I originally wanted only a Maid of Honour (my sister) without any other attendants. Unfortunately, my fiancé really wants 3 groomsmen and has already asked two of them. So I now feel stuck. I’ve narrowed it down to 4 people (one is a guy) for two spots. Two are a husband and wife. He and I have been through a lot together and have known each other much longer than his wife and I, but she has become a good friend too (and I was a bridesmaid at their wedding so I feel obliged to include her). The other two are good friends from when I was in school. How does one make this decision? Please help.
A. Choosing attendants seems to fall into two categories: it’s either easy and clear cut – you have three sisters, you have a tight knit group of four that you’ve known since childhood, you have one sister and your fiancé has one brother, etc. – or, more likely, the whole idea of having to choose more than one, but less than 12, bridesmaids is more challenging than an advanced Sudoku puzzle.
Countless brides juggle choosing who they really want vs. who they feel obliged to ask, simplicity vs. having everyone you know in matching formal wedding guest dresses at the front of the church with you…it’s rarely easy.
Just because you were a bridesmaid at someone’s wedding, does not mean you have to ask them to be your bridesmaid in return. Some women have had the (un)fortunate experience of being a bridesmaid a dozen or more times – it would be completely impractical to reciprocate. Sometimes it’s a case of – if you ask Sally, Jane will be upset, and vice versa, so you need to ask both or neither.
You could still make your friend’s wife feel included by asking her to be an usher, or do a reading during the ceremony. However, this depends a lot on her personality. You don’t want your wedding to be a cause of strife in their marriage – so if you really want him as an attendant – and you think she’d be completely insulted to be left out – then ask them both and get your other two friends to participate in some other way.
The other option is to avoid the whole mess by doing what you had originally planned – just ask your sister to be your Maid of Honour and leave it at that (don’t worry about it looking slightly lopsided).
When all is said and done, it is your day, and you should have the “support team” you want, not the one you felt obligated to have.
The Bride, formerly known as… To Change or Not To Change?
Thursday, May 21st, 2009 | etiquette, trends, weddings | No Comments
You’re getting married and there’s still that unanswered question; do I change my surname? Changing your name is a very personal decision, and should be considered by both you and your significant other.
Here are some pointers to help you in your decision if you are still unsure of what to do!
– tradition; if you have been following tradition from the beginning of the planning process, this would be the logical decision
– if you have an established career and everyone knows your maiden name, how hard would it be to let your colleagues and clients know that you have decided to change your name?
– there are some brides that use their maiden name professionally, and change their name personally
– if you and your spouse are planning on having children, it would be easier to have the same last name, especially in situations involving their school, travelling abroad, going to the doctor etc.
– if you’re worried about dropping your maiden name because you are the last in your family’s lineage with that name, consider passing it on to one of your children as a first or middle name
– how does your first name sound with his? Does it roll off the tongue, or does it rhyme, making it sound like a children’s book character?
– your maiden name has always been apart of you, but who’s to say that you have to drop it all together, more brides are opting to carry it over as a middle name
– some grooms are even taking their bride’s last name!
– you can always hyphenate your names
– if you are still unsure, a good old pros and cons list can help immensely
Quickie Anyone…??
Tuesday, May 12th, 2009 | etiquette, media, Q&A, weddings | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, SEPTEMBER 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q. My fiancée and I just got engaged about a week ago but we’d really like to get married this fall. Is there any way to plan a nice wedding for about 50 guests in less than two months?
A. Absolutely! Whether you have five weeks, six months or two years to plan your wedding it is possible to have a lovely memorable event. However, when you’re planning a wedding in a short time frame it is imperative that you be flexible (we’re talking major, look like a pretzel, contortionist flexible).
Regardless of how much time you have to plan your wedding, when you are inviting less than 75 guests your options are immensely greater than if you are having a fête for 300.
If you’re having a wedding in the spring or fall there’s a chance that traditional venues like hotels and community halls may have an opening. You might want to consider having your wedding on some day other than Saturday – which will give you more options, whatever your time frame.
Don’t overlook all the great restaurants that can accommodate 50 or 60 people and provide both great ambience and great service. Restaurants are often the most amenable to special requests for weddings and are best equipped to deal with last minute bookings.
As for all the other vendors you’ll need to figure out which ones are available and go from there.
If getting married soon is your priority be prepared for the possibility that your wedding won’t look exactly as planned (What do you mean I can’t have 500 tulips by next Thursday? Yes…I do realize it’s October…). So, get your dialing finger ready, start chanting your “I am flexible” mantra, and in less than two months you can be ready to say “I do!”
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