wedding etiquette
will you marry me?
Sunday, June 5th, 2011 | etiquette | No Comments
Thank you to Peter Post for these great tips for the perfect proposal!
Countdown to Proposing
Peter Post’s 10 Day Proposing Plan
From the ring and flowers to what to wear and how to ask, Peter gives men the advice they need to get through the big moment.
Day 10: Make a Plan
Decide on the who, what, when, where and why of how you will ask her to marry you. A public place or a private setting? First thing in the morning or late at night? Think about what suits your personalities and relationship. Keep in mind, this is a story she will be telling for the rest of her life and you want her to be proud to tell it. But at the same time, the more complex a plan you concoct, the more difficult to pull off.
Day 9: The Ring
You’ve got two options here: pick the ring you know she’ll love or go with something basic and let her choose the setting and band once she’s said yes. If you go with the latter, remember that this is not an insult to your jewelry selection capabilities. You want to make sure it’s the ring she wants.
Day 8: To Ask or Not to Ask - Permission from Her Dad
Individual circumstances determine whether you should ask permission from her father, either alone or with your intended, or if you should simply announce your plans together. Be respectful of the culture and traditions of your future wife’s family. This will help you decide the most appropriate course of action.
Day 7: Schedule Her In
Don’t forget to make plans with her for the big day. It would be pretty embarrassing to go through all this effort and then have her tell you “I’m not available that night, I have yoga class till 8:30 p.m.”
Day 6: Dress
Figure out what you’re going to wear. Make sure it’s clean and pressed. Shoes polished. Hole-free socks. Get a haircut. Shave. You want to look and feel your best.
Day 5: Flowers
There’s only one choice: red roses. Lots and lots of red roses. And remember, even if you think flowers don’t matter, they do.
Day 4: Food
To cook or go out? Don’t cook. Think about it. You want to focus on her, not on cooking. Make a reservation at the nicest restaurant you can afford. Try not to be a nervous wreck, hopefully you’ll enjoy the meal. If you’re planning to pop the question there, ask the maitre d’ for a quiet table.
Day 3: Wine
This is clearly a champagne occasion. Pop the question early and then order a bottle to celebrate. You can even call ahead and arrange to have the sommelier bring the champagne out once you’ve proposed.
Day 2: Practice
Think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Decide if you’re a down-on-one-knee kind of guy. Visualize what’s going to happen. You’ve established a plan for the dinner, now think about how you’re going to actually pull this off. Make sure you know how to get to where you are going. Remember these could be some of the most important words she hears from you, so make them memorable.
Day 1: Just Do It!
Give yourself time to get ready. Don’t forget the ring. Do plan on having a night the two of you will always remember. Look her in the eye and speak from the heart. Enjoy the moment!
You’re Engaged! Now What?
Thursday, March 17th, 2011 | etiquette | No Comments
Here’s some great advice from Emily Post:
1. Share the good news
Your parents, and any children you may have from a previous union, should hear the news first. Then comes other relatives and close friends. Whether you do it in person or over the phone, do it yourself. Those closest to you will no doubt be hurt to hear the news second hand. Don’t announce an engagement until a former union has been dissolved, whether by divorce or annulment. Post it on Facebook only after your family and closest friends have heard the news from you.
2. Meet the parents
Your engagement certainly signifies a change in the relationship with your fiancé’s/fiancée’s parents. Now’s the time to lay the foundation for a positive bond with your future in-laws. This is also when the parents of the bride meet - or at least make contact with - the parents of the groom. Traditionally, the groom’s parents call the bride’s parents to introduce themselves and extend an invitation to meet. But nowadays that first contact can also be made by the bride’s parents.
3. Make the guest list & set the budget
Your budget is the determining factor for the shape, size and fanfare of your wedding. But you can’t decide the type of wedding you will have until you have some idea of the size of the guest list. The easiest way to cut costs is to narrow your guest list.
4. Pick the date
The time of year you have your wedding is a key consideration. The most popular months for weddings are May, June, July, August, September and October. Popular wedding sites will be at a premium in terms of availability and cost during these times. Are you hoping for an outdoor wedding? Consider how many of your guests will have to travel when choosing a date as well.
5. Don’t forget the three C’s
Not clarity, cut or color. We’re talking about consideration, communication and compromise. How you handle your wedding plans can foretell how you will handle the other major decision of your life together. Along with the stress that will accompany the big decisions and little details should be a sense of adventure and fun. You are celebrating one of the most joyous milestones in your lives. Do so with a focus on consideration, communication and compromise and the process is sure to be less stressful and more satisfying.
etiquette, shmetiquette!
Monday, January 24th, 2011 | Q&A, etiquette, media | No Comments
As you all know I’m a stickler for etiquette…we love to do things “properly” - but we’re never about doing things just for the sake of doing them. Just because the last 10 weddings you attended did something doesn’t mean you have to…in fact, that sounds like a fabulous reason NOT to do it…and it certainly doesn’t mean it was correct from an etiquette stand point.
Originally published in “Ask the Expert” | Weddings in Alberta | January, 2011.
Q: We recently went to register for our wedding and the store clerk offered us registry enclosure cards to include in our invitations. Is this acceptable?
A: No, no, a thousand times, no! It may seem helpful, but it is never acceptable to enclose a registry notice or gift wish list with your invitation. Never. Ever.
One of the major etiquette questions is the method of informing your guests about your registries. Stores perpetuate this etiquette no-no by offering you these invitation enclosures, which can be offensive to guests. Your gift registry can be one of the most fun aspects of planning your wedding (”Here, honey, just point this gun at things and voila, they’re on our wish list!”), but it can also prove to be an etiquette minefield.
You may prefer to receive money, which is traditional in many cultures, or contributions to your honeymoon fund, but you cannot tell your guests what to give you. It is just not polite to request gifts of any kind. Giving a wedding gift is the socially acceptable thing to do—but no one is really obligated to buy you a gift. Informing your guests what kind of gift you would like at the same time you are inviting them to your wedding is like telling them the gift is more important than their attendance.
The way to let people know where you’re registered is via word of mouth. Make sure your bridal party and family know where you are registered or if you have a preference for a more non-traditional gift. Then you have to wait until someone asks where you are registered, and just cross your fingers! It is also acceptable to put registry information on your wedding website if you plan to have one during your engagement.
Q: We were a bit unsure what to choose when we made our gift registry. Help!
A: Today’s engaged couples often have established households of their own, so a registry is an excellent way for your guests to know what you actually need (Oh look! Another toaster! Everyone needs four toasters, don’t they?). Make sure you think carefully about what you actually need and make a wish list that is agreeable to both you and your partner. Your guests have different budgets, so register for items in a variety of price ranges. You cannot expect all of your guests to spring for that $400 food processor, or that they will be happy buying you one teaspoon because at $100 a piece because it is the only thing on your registry they can afford. A thoughtful gift registry gives everyone the opportunity to buy you something you will love.
These days, it is also perfectly acceptable to register for nontraditional items such as hardware, sporting goods, charitable donations, or, yes, even the honeymoon. Keep in mind, though, that although lifestyle gifts are appropriate, some people are going to prefer giving you something tangible.
Q: I’m having trouble choosing a dress for my 10 bridesmaids. I want them all in the same dress but how do I choose one that will look good on all of them? Do I have to pay for all of them? Should they match my wedding gown?
A: Just like most things in life, one size usually doesn’t fit all—and one dress won’t suit all, unless your bridesmaids have similar body types. When it comes to your attendants’ attire, uniformity is nice, it’s expected, but it’s absolutely not necessary. In fact, mixing up the styles a bit is practically the norm these days. At the very least, it is nice to set your maid of honour apart by choosing a different dress in the same colour or the same dress in a different colour.
Choosing a bridesmaid dress shouldn’t be looked at as an opportunity for retribution for that frilly sea-foam green number taunting you from the back of your closet. Be nice. These are your friends. Most women are initially thrilled when asked to be a bridesmaid, but if they’ve ever been a bridesmaid before, inside their head they’re groaning, ‘What is she going to make me wear?’ Consider choosing a colour and/or style grouping from one designer and letting your bridesmaids choose which one they feel best suits them. That way, as it will be the same fabric and the same general style, they will look similar, but your best friend won’t be hiding in the corner all evening for fear of falling out of the strapless dress you’ve chosen for her.
The bridesmaid dress should match the formality of your dress—so don’t put them in a sundress if you’re wearing a formal gown with a train—but it is no longer necessary to have your attendants’ dresses emulate your gown. Bridesmaids’ dresses not only used to match the wedding gown, but were identical to it, as the original purpose for a bridesmaid was to confuse the evil spirits. These days, they’re there for moral support and to look pretty walking down the aisle.
It is expected that the bridesmaids will cover the cost of their own attire; however, some brides opt to pay, depending on the cost of the dress they’ve chosen or the financial circumstances of their friends. So, unless you are planning to foot the bill yourself, be kind with both style and price. And, by the way, feel free just to have three or four bridesmaids, not ten—you don’t need all of your guests standing at the front with you!
ask the expert
Wednesday, January 5th, 2011 | Q&A, etiquette, media | No Comments
Weddings in Alberta is launching its first issue this month.
http://weddingsinalberta.com/articles.php?articleId=429
We’re excited to see everything in print. It is monthly so it should be very popular with the brides!
always a bridesman, never a….??
Wednesday, April 14th, 2010 | Q&A, etiquette, media | No Comments
I know I’ve already blogged about having male bridesmaids and honour attendants of the opposite sex - but as it came up again in a recent meeting with a client I thought it bears repeating. I think my first experience with this was a female “best man” in the mid-nineties sometime. She wore a floor-length strapless black gown and looked just lovely - and not even a little out of place - standing between the groom and the groomsmen.
I feel very strongly that you have the person or persons that mean most to you standing next to you while you get married - regardless of gender. You don’t need to have 4 attendants because your soon-to-be spouse is having 4 attendants. You don’t have to have them all in the same outfit (in fact, please don’t!!) - it’s great to infuse some character into your bridal party. And, you definitely don’t have to have female attendants because you’re the bride, nor male attendants because you’re the groom. We have had lots of “men of honour”s and “best women” over the years and it’s always perfectly appropriate - regardless if you’re having a religious or secular ceremony.
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, MARCH 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q: I’m having a very hard time choosing a maid of honour. I have a few girlfriends that I’m fairly close to, but my very best friend is a guy. We’ve known each other since junior high - and he’s seen me through everything. Would it be weird to choose him instead of a maid of honour? Should he just dress like the groomsmen? Will I give my grandmother a heart attack?
A: Unconventional, yes! Unexpected, you bet! Acceptable, absolutely!
You want your honour attendant - whether it is a maid of honour, matron of honour or man of honour - to be the person to whom you feel closest. You should choose your best friend, the person you want standing beside you on your big day - not the friend that would look best in the bridesmaid dress.
If you choose a man to be your honour attendant - you may opt to eliminate some of the “typical” duties like hosting your bridal shower, or helping you get into your wedding gown. But the most important part of the job description is being supportive and serving as the legal witness to your marriage.
Choosing your attendants can often be a difficult process - for the bride and the groom. There may be family politics involved. Or, like some, you may have served as a bridesmaid for a dozen of your friends and family members and feel obligated to ask them to stand up for you in return. Well…don’t.
This is your day - and although it is impossible to accommodate everyone’s wishes - you can’t make your choices based on not wanting to offend someone. You can’t make everyone happy - nor can you make everyone your bridesmaid - so just choose those you are currently closest to. You can always assign tasks - like doing a reading or taking care of the guest book - to those you want to feel special and included in your wedding but aren’t in the bridal party.
When you decide on the attire for your attendants, he can wear a suit or tuxedo and coordinate his tie to the other bridesmaids. This scenario also holds true for the groom. It is also perfectly acceptable to have a woman be the best “man.” A best “woman” looks great in a black strapless gown to coordinate with the other groomsmen.
So, feel free to choose your best guy friend or brother to stand up for you at your wedding. Just keep your “man of honour” away from the lavender chiffon and size 11 purple pumps - and your grandmother’s heart should be just fine!
Who’s Paying For All This Exactly??
Saturday, February 27th, 2010 | etiquette, trends | No Comments
One of our new clients mentioned that they were really stressed about figuring out who is supposed to pay for what at the wedding. This is a question that clients used to ask me ALL the time – but in the last 5 or 6 years it actually hasn’t come up very often, or only in regards to the rehearsal dinner or one small detail.
A good portion of our clients are paying for the wedding themselves so if their parents contribute any money it’s just a nice bonus, but when an engaged couple is counting on their families to pay for most or all of the wedding it can be a sticky topic for a number of reasons.
It’s rarely the case that both families have similar financial circumstances, and some families wish to stick to a very traditional division of costs where other families don’t have the slightest idea who is supposed to pay for what. All of these elements can conspire to cause the couple a lot of stress – even just bringing up the subject of the financial obligations can cause even the calmest couple some sleepless nights.
Traditionally, of course, the bride’s family assumed the burden of most wedding costs – probably a vestige of the practice of providing a large dowry to attract a good husband (!!). However, these days only about 25% of weddings are paid for solely by the bride’s parents.
Today, almost 70% of weddings are paid for either by the couple or by some combination of both sets of parents. It’s now VERY common for both families to share the costs equally, or for the bride and groom to pay for all of the expenses themselves.
If you do want financial help from your families to pay for the wedding, you must keep in mind you must be wiling to compromise on some of your wishes for your wedding. Although it can be a difficult subject to broach this subject with your parents – do your best to keep the conversation calm & dignified…it’s amazing how grievances that arise during the engagement can linger far past the actual wedding…whatever happens, whoever pays…just remember these people are going to be your family for the rest of your life so tread lightly!
If age-old tradition is ruling the financial structure of your wedding, here is the TRADITIONAL DIVISION OF COSTS from Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette:
The Bride & Her Family:
• services of a wedding consultant
• invitations, enclosures, announcements
• bride’s wedding gown & accessories
• floral decorations for ceremony & reception
• bridesmaids’ flowers
• bride’s bouquet
• formal wedding photos
• videographer
• music for church & reception
• transportation of bridal party to & from ceremony
• all reception expenses
• bride’s gifts to her attendants
• bride’s gift to groom
• groom’s wedding ring
• ceremony rentals
• cost of soloists
• transportation of bridal party to reception
• accommodations for bride’s attendants
• bridesmaids’ luncheon
The Groom & His Family:
• bride’s engagement ring
• bride’s wedding ring
• gifts for groom’s attendants
• ties for groom’s attendants if not part of rental package
• bride’s bouquet (in regions where this is the custom)
• bride’s going-away corsage
• boutonnieres for groom’s attendants
• corsages for immediate members of both families
• officiant’s fee or church donation
• transportation & lodging expenses for the officiant if required & invited to officiate by groom’s family
• marriage license
• transportation for groom and best man to ceremony
• honeymoon
• all costs of rehearsal dinner
• accommodations for groom’s attendants
• bachelor dinner (if groom wishes to have one)
• transportation and lodging for groom’s immediate family*
Bridesmaids/Honour Attendants:
• purchase of apparel and all accessories
• transportation to and from city where wedding takes place
• a contribution to a gift from bridesmaids to bride
• individual gift to couple (if being in the wedding is not the gift)
• shower/luncheon for bride
Ushers/Groomsmen/Best Man:
• rental/purchase of wedding attire
• transportation to and from city where wedding takes place
• a contribution to a gift from groomsmen to groom
• individual gift to couple (if being in the wedding is not the gift)
• bachelor party for groom
Out-of-town guests:
• transportation to & from wedding
• lodging expenses
• wedding gift
* just as a total aside – it always makes me crazy when I watch “Father of the Bride” and Diane Keaton tells Steve Martin they have to pay for all of the groom’s family to fly in from Denmark…NO!!! No you don’t!! Whether you’re following old traditions or new – or none for that matter – unless you happen to own an airlines…that would be just stupid…but artistic license I guess 
The Good, The Bad & The Downright Scary…
Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 | Q&A, etiquette | No Comments
One of our brides is currently having some bridesmaid “issues” so we thought this might be useful.
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, MARCH 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q: I’m having trouble choosing a dress for my 10 bridesmaids. I want them all in the same dress but how do I choose one that will look good on all of them? Do I have to pay for all of them? Do they need to match my wedding gown?
A: Just like most things in life - one size usually doesn’t fit all - and one dress won’t suit all unless your bridesmaids have similar body types. When it comes to your attendants’ attire - uniformity is nice, it’s expected, but absolutely not necessary. In fact, mixing up the styles a bit is practically the norm these days. At the very least, it is nice to set your maid of honour apart by choosing a different dress in the same colour or the same dress in a different colour.
Choosing a bridesmaid dress shouldn’t be looked at as an opportunity for retribution for that frilly sea-foam green number taunting you from the back of your closet. Be nice. These are your friends. Most women are initially thrilled when asked to be a bridesmaid, but if they’ve ever been a bridesmaid before, inside their head they’re groaning (What is she going to make me wear?). Consider choosing a colour and style grouping from one designer and letting your bridesmaids choose which one they feel best suits them. That way, as it will be the same fabric and the same general style, they will look matching , but your best friend won’t be hiding in the corner all evening for fear of falling out of the strapless dress you’ve chosen for her.
The bridesmaid dress should match the formality of your dress - so don’t put them in a sundress if you’re wearing a formal gown with a train - but it is no longer necessary to have your attendant’s dresses emulate your gown. Bridesmaid’s dresses not only used to match the wedding gown - but were identical. The original purpose for a bridesmaid was to confuse the evil spirits. These days, they’re there for moral support and to look pretty walking down the aisle.
It is expected that the bridesmaids will cover the cost of their own attire, however some brides opt to pay, depending on the cost of the dress they’ve chosen, or the financial circumstances of their friends. So, unless you are planning to foot the bill yourself - be kind with both style and price. And, by the way, feel free just to have three or four bridesmaids, not ten - you don’t need all of your guests standing at the front with you!
One family’s zoo is another family’s small gathering
Sunday, October 11th, 2009 | Q&A, etiquette, media | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, JANUARY 2006, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q. My fiancé and I are planning to get married in about eight months, but we haven’t made many plans yet because we can’t seem to agree on what the wedding should look like. As this is the second marriage for both of us I would like a small intimate event. My fiancé on the other hand comes from a very large family and is expecting a large celebration. Do you have any suggestions how we can plan a wedding that will make everyone happy?
A. A wedding is not just a celebration of the union of two people, but more often than not, it is the joining of two families - which brings with it a veritable treasure trove of opposing traditions and expectations. If the meeting of the in-laws doesn’t tragically mirror a scene from Meet the Fockers consider yourself lucky.
A good compromise in many situations is to split the difference - but I don’t think a medium-sized ceremony and reception will satisfy either side - you’ll still feel like the event was much bigger than you were hoping for (“There were 150 people at my wedding, it was a total zoo!”) - and your fiancé’s family will inevitably deem the moderate guest list too small (“How can we possibly have a proper wedding celebration with only 150 people?!?”).
You might consider having a small intimate ceremony with just your immediate family and closest friends followed by a large celebration later in the day. This way you’ll have the memory of a ceremony that reflected your sensibilities while your fiancé and his family can relish tales of the big bash.
Another option is to have the large wedding your fiancé’s family is hoping for, followed by a small gathering. Try a morning ceremony followed by a raucous afternoon reception - then in the evening you can sit down to an intimate dinner for just immediate family.
Whatever you decide to do - make sure it is a solution that doesn’t leave either of you disgruntled. Focus on what you two need from your day, even if that means ignoring your families. It doesn’t bode well if one of you spends your wedding night on the sofa (because that only leads to a honeymoon spent on the marriage counselor’s couch - and that’s no good for anybody).
Eeeeek!! Hide your grooms…BRIDEZILLA has arrived!
Thursday, July 16th, 2009 | Q&A, etiquette, media | No Comments
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE CALGARY HERALD, JUNE 2005, IN LISA HANSLIP’S COLUMN “I DO, BUT DON’T…”
image credit: Alex Eben Meyer (http://www.eben.com)
Q. My best friend is getting married in a few months and I am so happy for her, but in the six months since she got engaged she’s changed into a totally different person. She never wants to discuss anything but the wedding and she’s obsessing about every single detail. Since I announced I’m pregnant she no longer wants me to be her bridesmaid because I won’t look good in the wedding photos. She’s gone completely crazy, is there anything I can do to snap her out of it?
A. Alas, I fear Bridezilla has reared her ugly head:
bridezilla (brId-ZILL-uh) n. A bride-to-be who, while planning her wedding, becomes exceptionally selfish, greedy, and obnoxious.
Bridezillas are a new breed of brides who abuse the idea that weddings are their day to get exactly what they want. They terrorize their bridal party and family members, make greedy demands and break all rules of etiquette. Their sole desire is to be the single most important person on the planet from the time of engagement right up until the last dance at their wedding.
Here are some tell-tale signs that someone you love might be turning into a Bridezilla:
-The bride is incapable of discussing any subject other than her wedding.
-The bride barely eats so she can fit into her dress and then complains that she’s hungry all the time.
-The bride obsessively watches what her bridal party is eating and gasps every time anyone reaches for a cookie.
-The mother-of-the-bride and the maid-of-honour are beginning to feel like medieval footservants.
-The bride chooses couture bridesmaid dresses, even though most of her friends are on a budget. She does not, however, offer to pay.
-When the bride is discussing all the details of her wedding (which she does to every person who crosses her path) you can’t help but picture more “Bride of Frankenstein” than “Princess Bride.”
-The bride is thrilled when her groom is sent away on business (“Finally, he’ll stop interfering in all of my plans…”).
Your friend may have been the sweetest girl you knew before she got engaged, but once a bride falls to the dark side, there’s very little you can do but grin and breathe deeply (slipping the bride a valium couldn’t hurt either). So, take a deep breath and count the days until your friend returns to her normal self. In the meantime…be afraid, be very afraid.
Put the cupcake down & step away from the table!!
Monday, June 22nd, 2009 | Q&A, etiquette, media | No Comments
The long road from happy engagement to wedded bliss is paved with potential etiquette faux pas. Wedding planner Lisa Hanslip is here to help you resist your inner Bridezilla along the way.
Q. I’m hoping you can help me. When my fiancé proposed about eight months ago, I was so excited I ran right out and bought my wedding gown. I was so determined to get into shape before the wedding that I bought a dress a size too small. I was certain I could lose enough weight in 11 months to look fabulous in this dress - but now that the wedding is three months away I don’t think I’ll actually fit into it. What should I do?
A. Oh dear…you are certainly not alone in the “it will fit!” attitude to your wedding dress. However, now that it looks like “it won’t fit!!” you need a realistic plan of attack to make sure you actually have something to wear.
You’d be hard pressed to find a bridal magazine or website without copious amounts of information about fitness or weight-loss programs aimed at whipping you into shape for the big day. It seems to be the norm that engagement equates to frenzied fitness and beauty regimens - for the bride anyway. Just as most brides have a long-held fairy tale vision of what their wedding will look like, they have an equally long-held vision of what they’ll look like walking down the aisle.
A reputable bridal shop shouldn’t have let you out the door with a dress that “might fit.” So, unless you bought off the rack, and they didn’t know the dress did not fit you, you should enlist the store for help. You should also start asking everyone you know for the name of a seamstress.
I know you want to look your absolute best in the wedding photos - but remember that your fiancé proposed to you, as you are - not some ideal you may or may not achieve by the wedding day. What I’m sure will make him happiest is the knowledge that you’re actually enjoying yourself at the wedding. For that you need to feel comfortable - comfortable in your dress and comfortable with yourself.
I suggest you run, don’t walk, to the nearest skilled seamstress to see what can be done with your dress. Then take a deep breath, know that you will look beautiful and radiant on your wedding day - and perhaps steer clear of the woman that insists on bringing big boxes of doughnuts into the office!
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